Thursday, January 27, 2011

New: Fathead NHL Legends

And the first one available; naturally; is a Toronto Maple Leaf.

Now here's a question; if you wanted a "NHL Legend" hanging in your man cave; who'd it be? Damn well wouldn't be Doug Gilmour.

I would make Bobby Orr my mantle piece. Somehow. I'd carve a log or something to make it happen.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What? Heidi Montag Not Available?

In what might be the most telling sign of Entourage's fading star; check out the celebrity guest for this year's ECHL All-Star something or other: Kevin Connolly.

You know; I'm not entirely sure what they're advertising. Is it a skills competition pitting the Condors against the ECHL All-Stars? That doesn't really add up; nor is it fair. I guess.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Flames Guardian Leaked

That's about as good as it gets. Seriously.

Big ups to Maringer on YouTube; or whoever did that.

No; it's not real.  But Olli gives such good face; how could I not post it?

Don't Forget Your Gretzky Tea

In an association that can only mean Janet must be hanging out with Rick Tocchet again; Wayne Gretzky is now shilling for Bigelow Tea.  Yes; tea.  Seriously; tea.  That's like Crosby selling lip balm or something (ever notice his lips are like oddly pink?).  Oh wait.  Ok; so I won't begrudge him for making cash money; after all; Gretzky's no Kovalchuk.

See what they did there! "One Great Tea."  "The Great One."   THERE'S ONLY ONE LETTER DIFFERENCE. WE ARE CLEVER AND ADROIT.

Anyways; I'm only drinking Bigelow Tea from now on; that is for certain.  While you're ordering; don't forget your "99 Reasons to Drink" tshirt!  GET IT, HE WAS #99! 

I often wonder why I didn't get into advertising; it's like a child is in charge of these departments.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My NHL Guardian Project

If you can guess each character and what he, she, or it comes from, and correctly aligned to the team they represent; good for you.  Seriously; good for you.

Seriously though; I think my power might be pop culture empathy.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Keep Up With The Guardian Project

And by keep up with, I mean, watch where the "artists" are getting their "inspiration" from.  I'm going to keep a running page going with all 30 characters and their likenesses from across the Marvel Universe, and in some cases, other companies' property.

So check out the Guardian Project Breakdown (linked on home page there at the top left) each night, or boring work day, as each reveal gets broken down.

Do it.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I Hate Fake Controversy...

Especially when said controversy involves minor league hockey.  But this is right in my wheelhouse.  See if there's anything hockey related that I love; it's cheesy charity sweaters and the Hershey Bears.  When Gary Lawless of goes after both in one Dan Shaughnessy-esque, poorly written, was-it-even-researched piece, it's brings out a fire in me.  A good fire, not like my sex is on fire, but a fire that makes me want a beer.

So I'm going to link to Lawless' piece, if only because his chosen profession is dying and I think he might have a kid or two that require sustenance (wouldn't surprise me if he didn't though), THAT'S how good a guy I am.

Let's dissect.

The Bears, one of the most storied and successful franchises in pro hockey, who will be in Winnipeg for a pair of games today and Saturday with the Manitoba Moose, have been featuring the logos of recent victims on a set of jerseys in a move right out of Wilt Chamberlain's book.

Yes; thank you for the kind words; I like how you set up this tragic, tragic story of how the Hershey Bears, indeed, the upcoming opponent of your not-an-NHL-franchise Manitoba Moose.  Yes, indeed, the Bears do have a jersey commemorating their back to back Calder Cup Championships, one home, one away (both worn at home).  Won't your absolutely incensed readers be upset to see them not wearing them?  Why?  Because they've already been auctioned off for charity, dipshit.  Now, what's this about Wilt Chamberlain's book?

Wilt the Stilt was as famous for announcing to the world he'd been 'friendly' with more than 20,000 women in his life as he was for his hall of fame basketball career. The Bears can now be known for similar 'notch on the bedpost' bragging.

Hmmmmm, man, I know you and the rest of the Moose were bent over backwards by the Bears in the 2008-2009 Calder Cup Finals (wait; Lawless; you're grinding an axe from 2008-2009? Jesus), but you're comparing shoulder patches, little 3'' x 3'' shoulder patches, to one of the most notorious chauvinistic athletes in history?  That's rich; milk chocolately rich.

"We're the champs and here are the chumps we left in our wake," is the message the Bears want to convey.

Classy? Not even close.

Lowbrow? Now, you're talking.

GOD! I HATE IT WHEN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS GIVE TO CHARITY; CLASSLESS; HOW LOW BROW! OMG!.  Does Lawless have a little penis envy or what?  My God; I know you couldn't tell by all the misinformation out there about the jerseys; no help from Icethetics or Pro Hockey Talk; all of course, contributing back to the Winnipeg Free Press journalist with a Napoleon Complex.

It's not hockey and we're glad to tell you it's not the real Hershey Bears. Not the Bears we know. Not the organization men like Frank Mathers and Mike Nykoluk and Willie Marshall and Mitch Lamoureux sweated to build.

Eddie Shore! Old Time Hockey! Not the Bears you know?  Oh; I know you've been paying so much attention to the Bears, since the inception of your franchise, wait, what's that, the Moose were founded in 1996? In the IHL? Wait; you joined the AHL in 2001? You've only been in the league 10 years?  Funny, those names look familiar, oh, I know, they're the names hanging from the rafters in the Giant Center. Funny, none of those names were still even playing when you're franchise joined the AHL.  Spare me.  You know nothing of the class and integrity of that franchise in Hershey; even pretending you do is a joke.  Then again, I'm surprised you were able to get that much information off Wikipedia.

Just as interesting, however, will be their willingness to 'walk the walk' on the road. It's one thing to wear these galling jerseys at home -- another to wear them in Manitoba or Texas.

But that's the point Gary; which of course; was never noted throughout your entire diatribe.  These were meant to be worn in celebration of their wins, at home, in front of their fans, not against the teams on their shoulder, to be auctioned off post-game for charity.   Charities such as the American Cancer Society, MS Society, Ronald McDonald House, Rett Syndrome Research, the Hershey Historical Society, World Blindness Outreach, Hospice Care of Central PA, and the Juvenile Diabetes Association. LOW BROW. WHAT A CLASSLESS ORGANIZATION.  Notice: none of these include the Bring an NHL Franchise Back To Winnipeg movement.

So we've established the Bears to have been classless in this chapter. Leaving the jerseys at home and not wearing them in Winnipeg will be something else: Gutless.

So you; still grinding an axe from a loss years ago; trying to fill an arena with fake controversy; have established the Bears as classless.  Leaving the jerseys at home you say?  Damn, I'd say so, not only at home, but in fans' closets throughout Central PA, since you know, they were already auctioned off, wait for it, wait for it, FOR CHARITY. Since I know you would hate for any facts to get in the way of your hit piece, I just want to make sure that you got the page views.  That is my gift to you.

Now I understand where they're coming from; shoulder patches of other teams isn't exactly the most kosher of moves.  But these sweaters were worn as a one time only thing, auctioned off, and forgotten about until a fan breaks them out a some random game.  The only thing galling about them is their design.  There has got to be something else for Winnipeg to bitch about; you know; like trying to get back the Jets.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Where I Want the Winter Classic

Listen; yeah; baseball stadiums are practical. Football stadiums are pragmatic. But let me tell you something, practical isn't fun, pragmatic is boring. Pragmatic is putting the Pens or Caps back in the Classic next year; practical is putting it in Minneapolis. I want none of those things. I want some flavor, some variety, some flair.

So naturally, here's a list of all the coolest places that the NHL could put a successful Winter Classic, that would actually be a spectacle, something that would get on ESPN, and not because of the weather.

Rideau Canal, Ottawa, Canada

Maybe just meters (I'm using the Canadian system so they don't feel neglected) from the Canadian Parliament wouldn't be the greatest idea, but somewhere along the 7.8 kilometer stretch of the Rideau Skateway there must be room and infrastructure capable of setting up temp bleachers for a hockey game.  Yeah; you won't be able to pack in 80,000, but at least Senator fans will actually be able to go to a game in Ottawa.

Lake Placid, New York

That might not actually be Lake Placid, but the aesthetic works so piss off.  Bring in Mike Eurizone and you have yourself a Classic.  Patriotism abound, bring in the Rangers, play some Canadian team (or the Caps, with all those Rushkies) and you've got yourself sightlines and a non-typical locale that the media would just eat up.

Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

Yeah; I know I said football stadiums are boring.  But this is Lambeau.  This the place where legends, blah, blah, Howard Cosell something or other.  Look at that image; that looks like hockey.  You want to give Minnesota a Classic, give it to 'em in Wisconsin.  Suckers.

Any Major College Football Stadium Ever

Beaver Stadium at Penn State.  The Horseshoe in Columbus. The Big House in Ann Arbor.  Imagine Joe Paterno on skates; Classic indeed.

National Mall, Washington D.C.

A logistical nightmare? You betcha.  But if you can crowd a couple hundred thousand for an inauguration and have no trouble, you should be able to skate a couple Russians out there and everything would be cool.  Again; capacity would be quite low, but they can just cut down those damn Cherry trees.  George Washington approved.

Lake Tahoe, California

Do something remarkable NHL, give California a Winter Classic.  Rob Lowe already loves the idea.  Give the fans of San Jose and LA a reason to go to a hockey game by putting it up at Lake Tahoe.  You were upset about losing the city skyline view in Pittsburgh to play at night? Lake Tahoe provides something that actually looks nice; it would be glorious.

Ok, I actually have to get back to work; but what do you all think?  Give me something that isn't Target Field, Foxboro, or Busch Stadium.  I'm talkin' Inner Harbor, Baltimore.  I'm talking giving the Hurricanes a Winter Classic in Barkhamsted Reservoir in Hartford.  

Do it.
Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.