Saturday, January 8, 2011

I Hate Fake Controversy...

Especially when said controversy involves minor league hockey.  But this is right in my wheelhouse.  See if there's anything hockey related that I love; it's cheesy charity sweaters and the Hershey Bears.  When Gary Lawless of goes after both in one Dan Shaughnessy-esque, poorly written, was-it-even-researched piece, it's brings out a fire in me.  A good fire, not like my sex is on fire, but a fire that makes me want a beer.

So I'm going to link to Lawless' piece, if only because his chosen profession is dying and I think he might have a kid or two that require sustenance (wouldn't surprise me if he didn't though), THAT'S how good a guy I am.

Let's dissect.

The Bears, one of the most storied and successful franchises in pro hockey, who will be in Winnipeg for a pair of games today and Saturday with the Manitoba Moose, have been featuring the logos of recent victims on a set of jerseys in a move right out of Wilt Chamberlain's book.

Yes; thank you for the kind words; I like how you set up this tragic, tragic story of how the Hershey Bears, indeed, the upcoming opponent of your not-an-NHL-franchise Manitoba Moose.  Yes, indeed, the Bears do have a jersey commemorating their back to back Calder Cup Championships, one home, one away (both worn at home).  Won't your absolutely incensed readers be upset to see them not wearing them?  Why?  Because they've already been auctioned off for charity, dipshit.  Now, what's this about Wilt Chamberlain's book?

Wilt the Stilt was as famous for announcing to the world he'd been 'friendly' with more than 20,000 women in his life as he was for his hall of fame basketball career. The Bears can now be known for similar 'notch on the bedpost' bragging.

Hmmmmm, man, I know you and the rest of the Moose were bent over backwards by the Bears in the 2008-2009 Calder Cup Finals (wait; Lawless; you're grinding an axe from 2008-2009? Jesus), but you're comparing shoulder patches, little 3'' x 3'' shoulder patches, to one of the most notorious chauvinistic athletes in history?  That's rich; milk chocolately rich.

"We're the champs and here are the chumps we left in our wake," is the message the Bears want to convey.

Classy? Not even close.

Lowbrow? Now, you're talking.

GOD! I HATE IT WHEN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS GIVE TO CHARITY; CLASSLESS; HOW LOW BROW! OMG!.  Does Lawless have a little penis envy or what?  My God; I know you couldn't tell by all the misinformation out there about the jerseys; no help from Icethetics or Pro Hockey Talk; all of course, contributing back to the Winnipeg Free Press journalist with a Napoleon Complex.

It's not hockey and we're glad to tell you it's not the real Hershey Bears. Not the Bears we know. Not the organization men like Frank Mathers and Mike Nykoluk and Willie Marshall and Mitch Lamoureux sweated to build.

Eddie Shore! Old Time Hockey! Not the Bears you know?  Oh; I know you've been paying so much attention to the Bears, since the inception of your franchise, wait, what's that, the Moose were founded in 1996? In the IHL? Wait; you joined the AHL in 2001? You've only been in the league 10 years?  Funny, those names look familiar, oh, I know, they're the names hanging from the rafters in the Giant Center. Funny, none of those names were still even playing when you're franchise joined the AHL.  Spare me.  You know nothing of the class and integrity of that franchise in Hershey; even pretending you do is a joke.  Then again, I'm surprised you were able to get that much information off Wikipedia.

Just as interesting, however, will be their willingness to 'walk the walk' on the road. It's one thing to wear these galling jerseys at home -- another to wear them in Manitoba or Texas.

But that's the point Gary; which of course; was never noted throughout your entire diatribe.  These were meant to be worn in celebration of their wins, at home, in front of their fans, not against the teams on their shoulder, to be auctioned off post-game for charity.   Charities such as the American Cancer Society, MS Society, Ronald McDonald House, Rett Syndrome Research, the Hershey Historical Society, World Blindness Outreach, Hospice Care of Central PA, and the Juvenile Diabetes Association. LOW BROW. WHAT A CLASSLESS ORGANIZATION.  Notice: none of these include the Bring an NHL Franchise Back To Winnipeg movement.

So we've established the Bears to have been classless in this chapter. Leaving the jerseys at home and not wearing them in Winnipeg will be something else: Gutless.

So you; still grinding an axe from a loss years ago; trying to fill an arena with fake controversy; have established the Bears as classless.  Leaving the jerseys at home you say?  Damn, I'd say so, not only at home, but in fans' closets throughout Central PA, since you know, they were already auctioned off, wait for it, wait for it, FOR CHARITY. Since I know you would hate for any facts to get in the way of your hit piece, I just want to make sure that you got the page views.  That is my gift to you.

Now I understand where they're coming from; shoulder patches of other teams isn't exactly the most kosher of moves.  But these sweaters were worn as a one time only thing, auctioned off, and forgotten about until a fan breaks them out a some random game.  The only thing galling about them is their design.  There has got to be something else for Winnipeg to bitch about; you know; like trying to get back the Jets.


John said...

Fortunately, "Classless" Andrew Gordon gave the "Gutless" Bears the win..

Bella said...

Wow, you trash Lawless for his diatribe and you come up with that crap? No wonder you're nothing but a useless blog writer. Nice use of charities - no other respectable organizations would ever stoop that low charity or not. Go enjoy your nonexistence in the blogosphere, that's the only place you'll ever be.

Dave said...

To the above:

- Sorry your team wasn't good enough.

- Sorry Andrew Gordon played a part in beating you.

- Sorry most of all that you're stuck in MANITOBA.

- Sorry they didn't wear these on the road, with a picture of a moose on the front complete with a giant red "X" or perhaps a picture of a moose's head on the wall.

- Sorry that your profession is in sharp decline as we get more honest commentary from bloggers who are not burdened by years of vitriol, incompetence, and complacency, but in fact ALSO provide something positive to society in addition to their superior work.

- Oh, and sorry bout the Jets, I just got back from a local NHL game. What a pleasant and convenient luxury.

Vance said...

Woe is me; how ever will I fall asleep tonight? Knowing full well all I will ever be is nothing more than a blogger writing bloggy-blogs in my parent's basement.

Oh. I'll do it in my bed. Of course, first I'll have to add another notch in my bed post to commemorate another angered reader at my writing.

See what I did there? Full circle.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for an idea, you sparked at thought from a angle I hadn’t given thoguht to yet. Now lets see if I can do something with it.

Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.