Thursday, October 28, 2010

Penguins Winter Classic Jersey Unveiling

So the Penguins just revealed their sweater for the upcoming Winter Classic being held in Pittsburgh on January 1. 

And boy oh boy, initial reaction is not good.  The Capitals went with their strong red, white and blue motif of the early 90's, all in all a nice look. The Penguins went with a look that tries way too hard to remain modern but have the essence of a throwback.  They went with the logo from their inaugural 1967-1968 season; and folks, they didn't even put this logo on their jerseys that year, even they knew it wasn't ready for prime time.

Like one of the Pensblog guys said; Here you have the Penguins; playing in Heinz Field; in a city that is nothing if Black and Gold; and they're wearing navy blue.  Um; what? 

So naturally; let's photoshop the initial reactions; because we can.

What's your reaction?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Head Shot Rule: Inside the Cutting Room Floor

It's not an easy job; writing superfluous language on a proposed rule to eliminate disastrous head on collisions.  But somebody had to do it; and somebody certainly did.  Here's what they came up with; and was hastily approved by the Board of Governors and Player's Association.
Rule 48 - Illegal Check to the Head
48.1 Illegal Check to the Head – A lateral or blind side hit to an opponent where the head is targeted and/or the principle point of contact is not permitted.
48.2 Minor Penalty - There is no provision for a minor penalty for this rule.
48.3 Major Penalty - For a violation of this rule, a major penalty shall be assessed (see 48.4).
48.4 Game Misconduct – An automatic game misconduct penalty shall be assessed whenever a major penalty is assessed under this rule.
48.5 Match Penalty - The Referee, at his discretion, may assess a match penalty if, in his judgment, the player attempted to or deliberately injured his opponent with an illegal check to the head.
48.6 Fines and Suspensions – Any player who incurs a total of two (2) game misconducts under this rule, in either regular League or playoff games, shall be suspended automatically for the next game his team plays. For each subsequent game misconduct penalty the automatic suspension shall be increased by one game.
If deemed appropriate, supplementary discipline can be applied by the Commissioner at his discretion
 After the break; what was left on the cutting room floor.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Main Difference Between The NHL & AHL?

Oh you thought it was talent; no way; not with Wade Redden, Michael Nylander, and Sheldon Souray eating huge minutes in AHL franchises, no sir, it's not the talent gap at all. Nope.

It's the bling.

This Saturday saw the Hershey Bears raise the banner on their AHL record 11th Calder Cup Championship; and receive their championship rings. Here you'll see John Walton's; the voice of the Bears; ring.  Thanks to OviFan8 of SweetestHockeyOnEarth for the images.

For those that can't tell; that image on the right says "Win 60 Season", "Consecutive 24 Home Wins", "Total 34 Home Wins", and "Calder 11th Cup"; which were all records set by the 2009-2010 Hershey Bears.

Ok; now let's compare that to the Chicago Blackhawks rings.


Friday, October 15, 2010

The Return of the Worst Hockey Tattoos in the World

Yes; I've finally gotten around to it. It's the return of that special gallery of images that put BP on the map; or in complete reality, just made a lot of people visit the site since Deadspin linked to it.  But that's of no consequence, because another year's past, which is one more year for people to make absolutely horrible decisions.  And yes, people make horrible decisions, not like sleeping with your best friend bad, I mean sleeping with your cousin bad.

So without further ado; here's the latest gallery; by the way; if you somehow are one of these individuals who has slept with their cousin, and want me to take it down, just ask (though, I might not, you're the dipshit who posted it on the internet to begin with).

Let's start with an absolutely horrifying trend; the incorporation of team logos and tribal designs.

Which one is best? None, because they're hideous. Last I heard, White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant wasn't a tribe. Stop this immediately.

The Real Reason's Behind Early Season Anamolies

This early NHL action has been full of intrigue and carnage; Toronto's parade route is mapped and lawn chairs are already set up, all the while Pittsburgh is petitioning a return to the Igloo.  It's been unsettling and captivating; and I can't wait for things to go back to normal.

So for shits and giggles; how about we take a quick look at some of the reasons for the early season successes, or failures, around the league.  Starting from the basement of course.

But seriously, I'm starting from the basement because of who's there, otherwise, I'd go in any order I damn well pleased.

15. Pittsburgh Penguins - Injuries? Can't use that one yet. Wingers? Been using that for 2 years. Fleury? That one for 5.  So what is it?  Well, I just think it's part of Mario Lemieux's Plan; sponsored by Men's Warehouse; to stockpile another decade's worth of 1st Overalls, that way, he can get garner another generation of Penguins fans rolling in on the wagon.

14. Atlanta Thrashers - Wouldn't you know it, but Ondrej Pavelec is really needs to start standing on his head down there. Too soon.

13. Flordia Panthers - Tomas Vokoun has only given up 5 goals in 3 games; and he immediately credits Dale Tallon for removing Keith Ballard from the roster. 

12. Boston Bruins - Only 2 games into the season and absolutely nothing remarkable has occurred to this team; Savard got lost in downtown Prague though; he thought it was Providence; tough break.

11. New York Rangers - Torts really has these guys believing in him; hence why he's completely blowing up his current lines to insert Chris Drury into the top center spot; then again, with Erik Christensen there to start the year; 11th is optimistic.

10. Ottawa Senators - Pascal LeClaire was playing some great 0-2-1 hockey, and Clouston touted him their best player in the early going.  Jesus.

9. Buffalo Sabres - Woefully underperforming through their first 4, chief among them Tyler Myers, who is making Martin Brodeur look like less of a turnover-making fiend.  Turnovers, like delectable treats.

8. New Jersey Devils - Hey; look; the Devils got a 4th line!  Wait; who the hell are those guys? Is that Adam Mair your 3rd line center? Jesus.

7. Montreal Canadiens - As of this writing; Carey Price has not won in the Bell Centre in 247 days, 8 hours, 56 minutes, and 43 seconds. That trend looks to continue.

6. New York Islanders - You know, it says 6th; but they're tied with Ottawa at 10th; so you know, your win over the Rangers doesn't impress me in the least.  Especially with leading scorer Doug Weight heading up the roster.  Doug Weight.

5. Carolina Hurricanes - After beating up on the poor Wild over in Europe, Cam Ward is being Cam Ward again.  I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I'll throw it out there and let you have your own inclinations.

4. Washington Capitals - So at 3-1 this is disappointing start for the Capitals?  Hello, Capitals' fans, it's reality, everything will be ok. Shut up.

3. Philadelphia Flyers - Nikolay Zherdev, who was touted to score like 901 goals this season, finally potted his 1st in 4 games, Bob is taking the reigns from Boucher in net, where's McCarthy* when you need him?

2. Tampa Bay Lightning - Dan Ellis isn't having any problems yet, but once he does, not sure we'll see him again.

1. Toronto Maple Leafs - Hell has frozen over. Conspiracy.  Voodoo.  Pigs are flying.  Women can vote.  I'm not sure what's going on here, but good for their fans.  Wait; they're worse than Notre Dame subway fans; ugh.

Seriously, this season has started off all kinds of messed up.  I don't like it when everyone's preseason conceptions are all torn apart by some upstarts.  I wish they'd just know their role; jabronies.

* Joseph McCarthy you rubes; the guy who just blamed everyone for being Communist; if you didn't know that you probably thought I meant Darren McCarty and just couldn't spell, hence you didn't get the joke.

Monday, October 11, 2010

No Words

Question: Overalls fail?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

3 Burning Questions: Northeast Division

Time to finish out the Eastern Conference; and don't worry I won't go easy on Buffalo.  I should, because if there's anything bloggers are good at; it's writing whatever the hell you want without repercussion.  In our parent's basements. Lights out.  LAN party on.

3 Burning Questions: Boston Bruins
1. Will Tukka Rask turn out to be Steve Mason, Andrew Raycroft, or Jim Carey?
2. Can soup for brains Patrice Bergeron help mashed potatoes for brains Marc Savard through his time with Post-Concussion Syndrome?
3. Can Tyler Seguin end up a bigger tool than Tom Brady in New England Sports lore?

3 Burning Questions: Buffalo Sabres
1. Can Tyler Myers play 60 minutes a night on 3 different defensive pairings?
2. Can Ryan Miller play 60 minutes a night, for 82 games this year?
3. Will Derek Roy become the first athlete to go on IR from complications due to VD?

3 Burning Questions: Montreal Canadiens
1. Will this be the year that Montreal finally crucifies Jesus Price?
2. Does management feel the need to sign the smallest (Gionta, Cammealejrlejreri) and the largest (Gill), and not just like, normal sized players?
3. Does management truly believe their postseason run last year wasn't because of the guy they sent to St. Louis?

3 Burning Questions: Ottawa Senators
1. Have they seen Philadelphia's goaltending situation?
2. Will Alfredsson go out with a bang or just on Spezza's wing?
3. Will any games be delayed due to puddled water on the ice surface; presumably leaks from the GM's suite?

3 Burning Questions: Toronto Maple Leafs
1. Does Versteeg realize exactly how much he got screwed over by Chicago?
2. There's a banner of Nazem Kadri hanging in the ACC press room; how does that make the players who actually were good enough to make the roster feel?
3. How cold does it really get in the basement?

Monday, October 4, 2010

3 Burning Questions: Southeast Division

I'm back. 2 posts in one day. Miracle city.  Herb Brooks eat your heart out.

Let's take a look at some of the burning questions that keep Stamkos up at night when he tries to pee.

Burning Questions: Washington Capitals
1. Will Ted Leonsis improve concessions to the point where he and Boudreau will even eat there?
2. When will fans finally realize that Semyon Varlamov's constant injury isn't due to his indisputable athleticism but his incessant trysts with fat chicks?
3. Will a real American Hero like John Carlson stand idly by while his team is dominated by dirty, stinkin' Communists? AND CANADIANS?!?

Burning Questions: Carolina Hurricanes

1. Will Mike Krzyzewski be lulled out of basketball to coach the Hurricanes?
2. Can Cam Ward play a whole season like he did for a whole 20 games when he won the Conn Smythe and got all kinds of accolades he never deserved after stealing Martin Gerber's job and only getting through the East after Buffalo's entire starting defense was made of Doug Janiks and Jeff Jillsons?
3. Will Jussi Jokinen finally change his name to Juicy to appease Samsonov?

Burning Questions: Tampa Bay Lightning
1. What ex-Red Wing will Yzerman steal, er, hire next?
2. Will a Gagne, Stamkos, St. Louis line compile more than 94% of all goals, assists, PP points, SH points, and groin injuries than the rest of the roster combined?
3. Will Dan Ellis be able to sleep at night without his Hello Kitty nightlight he left in Nashville?

Burning Questions: Atlanta Thrashers
1. Can Evander Kane knock out Matt Cooke again?
2. Please?
3. Is that 2 questions? Shit.

Burning Questions: Florida Panthers
1. Who is even on this roster anymore?
2. With Keith Ballard gone; who will go ballistic on Tomas Vokoun's forehead?
3. Can David Booth recover 100% or will he languish forever in limbo with Eric Lindros, Marc Savard, and Leonardo DiCaprio?

I can still make bad Inception references right? I did it anyway.

Ugliest Hat on Earth? Ugliest Hat on Earth.

This is simply egregious. It is unquestionably the least wearable piece of headware on the planet; and naturally; it's an NHL team. Naturally; it doesn't make any sense.

 So; I consider myself pretty up on logo changes, especially being a Sabres fan (with our bait and switch every 2 years), but, for the life of me, I cannot recall when the Flyers added an alternate logo of a cartoonish Chris Pronger snarling gorilla caricature. My God; there isn't a view of this hat that makes it at all wearable.

I guess it's supposed to be a broad street bully (no shit, Vance).  But honestly, it looks more like your drunk ginger uncle who touches the rest of your cousins.

Either way; I'm not sure what New Era is thinking releasing these hats; but hey, they are most certainly the ugliest collection I've ever seen.  At least the NHL Shop isn't carrying them; which is utterly surprising with all the other shit they put out there.  Even funnier?  The official New Era store isn't even listing these monstrosities on their website; take that Lids.

You should buy me one.  And if you do; make it the Phoenix one.
Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.