Tuesday, September 28, 2010

3 Burning Questions: Atlantic Division

In hopes to get my ass in gear for the season; it's time to start looking at the burning questions heating up the league as the preseason carries along.  First up; the Atlantic division; where there are more douches than you could ever hope to compile in a single division; so, well, I guess that's the Flyers intro.  But of course we can't forget about the really unheralded Penguins, the Islanders, the Summer fling Devils and the Rangers.

Burning Questions: Philadelphia Flyers
1. What happens first: Nikolai Zherdev tears apart the Flyers' locker room or Hartnell's wife?
2. Will all 30 NHL arenas be forced to expand their penalty boxes to house Carcillo, Shelley, and both of Pronger's elbows?
3. Will Bill Guerin adapt to an urban lifestyle in Philadelphia after spending the last couple years in Pittsburgh?

Burning Questions: Pittsburgh Penguins
1. Since Sidney has moved out of Mario's house; will Mario be forced to sell Neverland Ranch East Coast?
2. Will Pittsburgh do for Mike Comrie's post-Edmonton career that Hollywood has done for Hilary Duff's post-Disney?
3. How will Bob Errey pronounce Zbyněk Michálek each night?

Burning Questions: New Jersey Devils
1. How much Krispy Kreme could a goalie eat if a goalie could eat all the Krispy Kreme he could eat?
2. When Parise goes down on the net hard; will Kovalchuk ever return the favor?
3. With half the roster rumored to be heading out via trade; will one of them throw the proverbial Jelly Jar at Lamoriello?

Burning Questions: New York Islanders
1. What is the going mortgage rate for homes in Kansas City? Winnipeg? Seattle?
2. Mark Streit gets hurt in practice; SUVs bounce off Brendan Witt and they got rid of which player?
3. When can I get my Nino Niederreiter shersey?

Burning Questions: New York Rangers
1. Glen Sather still retains his position as General Manager of the New York Hockey Rangers because?
2. Will Henrik Lundqvist be able to carry the Rangers to the promised land or will his back give out before then?
3. What, no Jagr?

Boom. Roasted.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dan Ellis Takes His Ball and Is Going Home

Late yesterday afternoon, in suburban Tampa, Florida; Dan Ellis was engaged in a spirited, engaging game of kick ball with a number of neighborhood youth; many of whom follow him, for his fame, insight, experiences.

The game was going really great; Dan was pitching mostly, but let some other kids get in on the act too.  Plus, he really wanted to show off that boot of his.  But the kids that were pitching to him; well, hell if that ball wasn't bouncing too much on the way in.

"Foul! No bouncies!" he called.  He can't handle the bouncies.  Then; it got overwhelming, all the neighborhood kids starting showing up, jumping all over the fact that Dan couldn't handle the bouncies.

So when that Mikasa came rolling, rather, bouncing in; hell if he didn't pick up that ball and go home.  So if anyone sees that ball with "Jonas" written on it in black sharpie, you should probably return it.  But I think it's floating in Dan Ellis' Olympic-sized swimming pool.

Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.