Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So Let's Help A Guy Out; Shall We?

So I got an email from a fellow in a fantasy hockey league, who's love for the game has been rekindled by the Olympic games. He has no team; hell, he's just trying to learn to love again. And here is where we come in. Let's help this poor bastard pick a team.

For those of you that do not know me, I am AJ, and I hate hockey. Hate is often used in loose terms, and that is also true in this case, as despise would be a much better fit. So here I am a person despising the game of hockey watching the US v. Canadia hockey game on Sunday actually enjoying myself. It was a great game and I have spend the past few days dwelling on my bewildered enjoyment of that game. The conclusion I have reached is that I am going to give hockey a chance and I am writing this rambling email requesting suggestions on a favorite hockey team. I have some criteria for my new favorite team, which will be listed below, and if you have have any suggestions I would appreciate it if you would make a case that team. (And yes this is actually a serious email).

My criteria:
1) The team must be located in the United States. By watching the Olympics I learned at least Vancouver has a NHL team.
2) The team must not have a Canadian as its best player or two. I know that knocks out the Penguines bc of Crosby, but I have no idea what other teams have star Canadians - ie: Luongo.
3) The team must not be the Buffalo Sabres. This was an initial thought bc I heard that the US goalie Ryan Miller was on this team, but then I thought about what Buffalo stands for and the fact that the Hafezis live there. And Buffalo has ugly women. And Buffalo is too close to Canadia. The list goes on and on...
4) The team must not be a perennial loser, as I already root for the Royals and Chiefs. The team does not have to be a top team every year, but I don't want them to suck balls either.

So PLEASE respond to this email with any team suggestions that meet the above criteria and provide any additional supporting information that you deem useful to an uninformed potential hockey fan. Thank you for your time and consideration.

PS - I really enjoy the irony of how well my fantasy hockey team has done to date when I only recognize the names of 2 players on my own team.
So based on that criteria people, who should this guy be rooting for? Based on what I've seen here; sounds like to me this guys perfect for jumping on the Detroit or Washington bandwagons.

Thoughts? Aside from whoever the Hafezis are, they must really suck.


lachlan said...

throw this guy the kings way, loaded with young talent, dude can hop on bandwagon now, should last him a few years, got a few US olympians he knows dustin brown, jack johnson, jonathan quick. plus a legit star who isn't canadian in Kopitar. I vote kings

Anonymous said...

As much as I hate to say it Chicago is a good fit for him. Kane is an American star on the team and their up and coming nature can keep him interested for years to come.

Ps I live in Pittsburgh and love my Pens

Vance said...

I thought Chicago too, but between Keith and Toews, it might be too much "Canadia" for him.

Anne said...

He seems like a douche so he should cheer for a douche team. Philadelphia it is! /defensive attitude because I'm a Buffalo woman who takes offense to being called ugly.

On a serious note, where does he live? Proximity is a good way to start picking a favorite team.

Dave said...

How about the Blackhawks? Slovak best player in Hossa, American-born number two in Kane, two non-Canadian sieves in net, located in the States, a perennial loser but in the midst of a revival. The Hawks seem to meet all of this guy's criteria.

Of course, since this guy roots for the Royals and Chiefs, he's probably from the Kansas City area. Maybe we should turn him on to the Islanders?

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...


Parise is american, Martin is american, they used to be in Kansas City.

brian s. said...

My first thought was the Devils with Parise, Langenbrunner, and Kovalchuk. Proximity-wise it should be St. Louis with Erik Johnson and Tkachuk. However, being from Buffalo, I would agree with Anne and give him to the Flyers. We just won't tell him that Richards, Pronger, Carter, and Briere are all Canadian.

Kathleen said...

Sabres would have been a good fit, but it looks like this guy doesn't deserve 'em.

Devils are out because of Brodeur (and they're too nice of a team anyway) and eventually he'll figure out the Flyers are pretty much all Canadian. Rangers are perfect for him. And if they're too close to Canada, give him the Thrashers.

Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.