Monday, August 31, 2009
The One About Taco Bell and the Phoenix Offseason
Free agents: | In | Out: |
Phoenix/Hamilton/Winnipeg is a freaking mess. Not in the same sense that Montreal is a mess, but the Black Coyojets, as I will call them, is just a plain old disaster. It's like the next morning after a night of hard drinking, and maybe even a run to Taco Bell for some Volcano goodness, and you have to hit the commode, then peer down in your toilet, yeah, they're that big of a mess. The only difference? The Coyotes aren't liquid. HEYOOOOO.
That is disgusting.
Anyways, the Jets are in such bad shape that they lost announcer Darren Pang this offseason, why? Hell, he didn't even know who he was supposed to negotiate a new contract with. That's just plain sad, Panger had it good out there in the Desert.
Oh, the roster? Well, they definitely got better by getting rid of Kalinin, who fled back to mother Russia. Resigning Scottie Upshall was probably a good play, if only to keep Melanie Collins in Phoenix. Everybody else? Aucoin could be steadying presence on that D-line, while I'm not yet sold on Korpikoski, I do know people that like him a lot. Daniel Winnik? Who the hell is Daniel Winnik?
Now the interesting thing with Hamilton is the young guns. Kyle Turris, Peter Mueller, Viktor Tikhonov, Mikkel Boedker, and even Jonas Ahneluv (anal love, ahahahahaha), at what point do these guys prove themselves? We know each one in their own right has "dominated" their competition at some point or another, and they seem to be ready to turn the corner (sound familiar Los Angeles?). So one has to think that Phoenix is heading in the right direction, no?
That direction being towards Ontario, I do believe.
Friday, August 28, 2009
He'd Hit That: Even Coyotes Can Date Foxes
Anyways, take a gander at Scottie Upshall's current gal pal; Melanie Collins. There were rumors of those two dating, but I think this particular "tweet" puts those rumors to rest.
@NBATVMelanie: http://twitpic.com/fj04h - "Phoenix"-the puppy we got Scottie's mom!Must be serious. But you know what, way to go Scottie. See, Melanie must've gone to Penn State the same time I did, actually, we graduated the same year (man, I missed out), and she got her big break with the Big Ten Network. See this photo. Now she works for NBA TV, maybe the wrong sport, but if she's gonna usurp Erin Andrews, she's gotta start somewhere right?
Oh you want a pic showing off the assets? Fine. FINE.
TRIFECTA! Anyways, Scottie Upshall, damn you. And awesome.Sorry I didn't immaturely photoshop this one, I just would've felt like I was pissing on Picasso or something. You just don't piss on Picasso. But hey, joke's on Scottie, she gets to hang around all those pro basketball players, and you know what they say about NBA ballers...they have really big hands. And dicks.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Kane Plea Deal
Kane will plead guilty to one count of disorderly conduct and submit a written apology to driver Jan Radecki. The charge is no longer a misdemeanor, but a violation. He'll have a conditional discharge, and his record will be clean after a year of good behavior. Kane also has to pay $125 in court fees.OH NO! NOT $125 DOLLARS IN COURT FEES?!? A LETTER?!? CAN'T I JUST SEND AN EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!11ONE11!!!! Jesus, a guy I know, someone who writes at this site, periodically, but not in the past 3 months, paid more than that for pissing in a bush outside a Penn State football game. Celebrity justice at it's finest ladies and gentleman.
BladeTape = Good Guys, VANOC = Hippies
Well, remember that post on the BladeTape that looked like weed? You don't? What the hell. Ok, well here. Shit, anyways. Actually, let's just post the pot tape.
Ok, so, BladeTape caught on and posted the link on their Facebook page (yeah, who isn't on Facebook).They're all like 'Is this BanginPanger fella right?" (something like that) and yeah, most people thought it looked like weed. Except one guy, one guy was a total tool. What did he say? Well let's freakin' quote it.
I think all you need to do is look at the picture of the guy at the top of the page and take his comments for what they are worth. The guy looks like he's played hockey in his dreams but thats about as far as he ever got. It does look like a pot leaf but the printing of the maple leaf on the product is probably what makes it look like that. This guy's a plug and looks like he's never seen a meal he hasn't liked.Apparently he thinks Mr. Fat Giggling Vancouver Canucks Fan on the banner is me. That's pretty awesome. Even if it is true I've never seen a meal I haven't liked, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that ugly jersey, so obvi, not me. Douchebag.
But anyways, long story short. I ended up throwin' emails back and forth with their Director of Business Operations. That weed design wasn't even come up with by the people at BladeTape, no, it was the artists for the Vancouver Olympic Committee, so yeah, those BC folks really are a bunch o' hippies.
But that's not even the best part, BladeTape is going to send me one of those Ganja blades. How amaze-balls is that? So let it be now known, that BladeTape is fully, and justly, supportive of any and all things that BladeTape does from now on. Frankly, Willie Mitchell and Chris Mason can't be wrong.
By the way, I still think it looks like weed.
Captain Elbows Here to Save the Day
Free agents: | In | Out: |
Well the Flyers are done wheeling and dealing for this off-season, I do believe. Unless they're going to move somebody, but I'm not sure who'd that be at this point. Alright let's get into these goons.
So the Flyers really bought into their image towards the latter part of last season, adding Carcillo to already one of the highest penalized teams in the league. Then of course adding Captain Elbows and Ian Laperriere did nothing but potentially create one of the gooniest lines in the history of hockey. Cote, Carcillo, and Laperriere? Yes, please. But only against the Penguins, that'll show em.
Do we want to talk about the Captain Elbows trade? I've heard a mixed bag from Flyer's fans. Some say this makes them the front runner in the East this year (the Hockey News agrees), but after this 1 or 2 year window, Prongers 35+ contract will certainly have to come back to haunt them, right? Obviously Holmgren, Snider and co. aren't worried about paying Pronger if he retires, because frankly those chances look pretty good. Do we even want to go into giving up Sbisa and the 2 #1 picks? I dunno, I'm not a fan of the deal on the whole, but if the Flyers win a cup, then it's certainly justified, no?
Now the Ray Emery situation. Here's the epitome of medium risk, high reward. We know Emery can be more than an adequate 'tender, but we also know he's prone to douchebaggery. So the Flyers bring him back to the league on the cheap, not necessarily upgrading from Biron, but definitely saving from what he would've asked for in a deal. The $1.5 million dollar deal is pocket change for the Flyers, if he doesn't work out, no big deal. If he does, then fantastic, that just cap-saving room to make another move later in the year.
Otherwise, eh, the Flyers are the same Flyers we saw last year. Heavy on the skill up top, heavy on the stick infractions below, should be an entertaining year for Philly fans though, that's for certain.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Because I Don't Feel Like Writing Today
Girls dancing and stuff. Put your tongue away pervs. And lock the bathroom door, don't want your mom to walk in on that.
The end of that video is like an effing soap opera. The suspense almost ruined the moment....almost.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Poor, Poor Ottawa
Free agents: | In | Out: |
It seems like every team we've gone over these past couple weeks has turned over their entire God damned roster, not these Senators. Oh no, they tried. But Dany Heatley is over there playin' in the corner with his Hotwheels (get it? Ziiiinnggg) and he doesn't want to go. Bryan Murray probably has had a stroke with the nonsense that has gone down up there (then imagine how bad his rants would be). Oh well, let's get to the roster.
Re-signing Elliot and Chris Neil were savvy moves. With a healthy Pascal LeClaire and Elliot to back him up, the Sens seem to be better suited in net than they have since Emery's last coke binge. Chris Neil, as goony as he is, makes that team better, clearing space by running any and all.
Now the signing of Alex Kovalev, this one is a little perplexing to me. Last high profile Russian the Sens employed, well, he's still wearing mock turtlenecks playing in Russia. Assuming Kovalev joins the 2nd line at RW, he'll be playing with Mike Fisher and Nick Foligno (if I recall correctly), which certainly improves that line, but doesn't change the fact that the Sens are still top heavy offensively.
Oh well, until this Heatley debacle is resolved, Ottawa is SOL in my opinion. But who the hell cares what I think.
Really? He Hasn't Played A Single Game For You Yet
...yet he's now the face of your team? I get it. You don't want Heatley gracing your site, that's well and good. But how bout, oh what's his name, that guy who's been your Captain for about a decade now? Oh well, you guys are a model of ass.Oh wait...now, now, please, tell me your webmaster and his interns have just a plain wicked sense of humor...cause this is too much.
Kovalev and consistency in the same sentence? Shoot me in the face. But hey, since we're just throwing around Kovy pictures everywhere, here's another one.
I know you were all lookin' for Kovalev upskirt photos anyways, so I made it a little easier on you. Junk City, ON.
Monday, August 24, 2009
What Happened in Ranger Land? Wait, Sather Still Has a Job?
Free agents: | In: | Out: |
Almost as much nonsense this offseason went down in Manhattan as Montreal, and that's saying a lot. The hottest player for the Rags at the beginning of last season, well, he wasn't even offered a contract, say hello to Fedorov and co. in Moscow for us all Nik. But hey, there's some stuff here we can talk about.
Like Sather getting rid of that Gomez contract, who ever thought that was even possible? Sather must've pulled an illusion on Gainey, not tricked him though, tricks are what whores do for money. If you don't think New York was the winner in that deal, then you know what, you must be a Habs fan, and I wouldn't like you anyways.
But of course, for every good thing Sather did this offseason, he goes and pulls a dipshit move like giving Gaborik $7.5 million a year (still haven't learned your lesson with those $7+ million contracts eh Glen?) and giving a guy in Ales Kotalik, yes he of worth only on the PP and SO, $3 million. I mean, I realize this isn't your money you're playing with Glen, but it's somebodies.
So back to the Gaborik deal, I'm glad they realized they needed a top flight winger to spread out defenses, and he will definitely provide a more vertical attack, so to speak. But who exactly will his center be? Drury? We saw how that particular experiment (#1 center) failed last season? Dubinsky? Really? You want to make Brandon Dubinsky your #1 center? Nice. Nice.
Let's not forget about Mr. Antropov and Derek Morris. I'm not going to say Derek Morris meant much to New York, wasn't his finer moments. But there's no shadow of a doubt that Antropov gave them many more options when he arrived. His fit helped allow the Rags to stay in the top 8, and at times, had them playing their best hockey of the year, going 11-6-1 after acquiring those guys on March 4th. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Ok, ok, one more thing. Is Donald Brashear really an upgrade, in any way, shape, or form, than Colton Orr? I mean, unless you're trying to draw in some fans from Harlem, where are you goin' with this move? Seem to forget he practically almost killed Blair Betts during the 1st round of last season's playoffs? Yeah, that'll be an awesome locker room dynamic for the first month (that is of course assuming Betts re-signs, but I'm sure his teammates are still pretty pissed off).
Enjoy that Tortorella. Enjoy it.
Friday, August 21, 2009
He'd Hit That: It's Been Awhile
So off to the gallery no?
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So that's his college girlfriend, Ashley Lerner, well I spose it's Ashley Vanek now, as they got married last summer. They actually have a kid too, a boy named Blake (this is all on his site, I'm not that big of a creeper...or am I?).
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Just What You All Wanted to Know
10/3/2009 : Norfolk Admirals
- Calder Cup Championship Jersey Auction – The Bears will wear special Calder Cup Championship jerseys that will be auctioned off after the game for charity.
10/24/2009 : Binghamton Senators
- Breast Cancer Awareness Jersey Auction – The Bears will wear special Breast Cancer Awareness jerseys during warm-ups that will be signed and auctioned off during the game to benefit the American Cancer Society.
- US Army Camouflage Jersey Auction – Bears will wear specialty Camouflage jerseys to be auctioned off following the game.
- Washington Capitals Night – The Bears will wear special Washington Capitals jerseys that will be auctioned off after the game for charity.
- St. Patrick's Day Jersey Auction – The Bears will wear special St. Patrick's Day jerseys that will be auctioned off after the game for charity.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Official Versus TV Schedule
Chicago and Detroit will be on Versus 9 times a piece, while the usual suspects come rollin' in just behind. Though the Dallas, Minnesota, and St. Louis numbers are a little surprising. Here's the link for the total schedule, you can sort by RDS/Versus/TSN all you want over there, but I'm not makin' that many graphs, that's just redonkuculus.
Hahahahahaha Wang, Charles Wang
Free agents: | In | Out: |
Oh Charles Wang, how you amuse me, not just your last name, but everything you do. Never change. Never change.
So aside from trying to get that Lighthouse Project off and running on Long Island, and the team totally screwing over Chris Botta, the Isles offseason was marked with the odd signings of Dwayne Roloson and later, Martin Biron. If it was one it wouldn't be a deal, but both? Now we've got questions.
Why 3 legitimate #1 goaltenders? Obviously, DiPietro won't be starting the year, but wasn't he supposed to be back soon after? Can't trust Rolly for a month of play before DiPi makes it back? How injured is he? Strained vulva? My God, makes Gaborik look like freakin' Cal Ripken. Is Martin Biron really going to spend time in the AHL? I would ask ole Chuck Wang but I'd never understand his reply "Werrl re're rearry, rearry excited about Marrin Birron coming to Rong Rirand to pray for my Isranders." (Oh geez, that was kinda stereotypical eh? Win = Me.)
But there is renewed hop...optimis...well there's something renewed on Long Island with the drafting of John Tavares. Him, Okposo, some other guy, and another guy will lead the youth movement, and maybe they'll come flying out of the Eastern Conference basement, all the way to 13th!
Good luck with that.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Who Says the NHL has a Thing for Crosby?
Sheesh guys, only 7 of the 8 videos on NHL.com right now are about him. God, you conspiracy theory people need to settle down!
The Devil Went Down To Georgia, and Brought Back Lemaire
| Free agents: | In | Out: |
I'm not sure there was a more fired up fan base (get it! Devils! Hell! Fire! What a terrible pun) than some of the Devils fans I know. They watched the Atlantic get bigger, better, faster, and stronger, while Lou Lamoriello stood pat, patiently waiting for the standard UFA frenzy to die down. Only after watching key contributors from last season's Atlantic Division champion team.
For a team that watched Philly on board more toughness, the Devils let one of their pugilists, Mike Rupp walk on over to the Penguins. For a team that watched the Rangers grab one of the most dynamic skill players in the league, the Devils let their top shutdown center, John Madden, join the mess over in Chicago. For a team that watched the Isles, hahahahahahaha, never mind. Either way, last season's hero, and don't dare but call him anything but, Scott Clemmensen takes over Craig Anderson's role in Florida. Then there's declining but still productive forward Brian Gionta migrating to join the rag tag fun friends in Montreal.
At least they kept Zajac right? It's not to say the Devils are magically falling from the top 8, far from it. But I'm sorry, as awesome as Pierre Luc Letourneau Leblond's name is, he pretty much sucks at the game of hockey, and won't replace any of the contributors they lost. Not even Rupp.
But, as always, any team that has a goaltender like Brodeur in the crease, has a chance every night. And I'm not sure there's any team that gets more from less than these Devils so I'm sure we'll see them come next May. Lucky us.
Monday, August 17, 2009
So Check This Prime Example of Fail
This character, Zachary Weinstock (related: no one with the last name Weinstock should be writing about hockey, period), puts together this list, with attempts at one liners and witty zingers, failing more than the latest Pensblog photoshop montage.
I hate linking this garbage, but if the only thing you read are the comments mocking this guy, then it's served it's purpose.
Just so you know what you're getting into...He has St. Louis #5, Tampa #7, the Kings #12, Carolina #21, and Buffalo #30.
Updated:: Holy shit, he's a coward to boot. Last night there were some hilarious comments akin to "This guy's rankings are as accurate as Eklund's rumors", "You suck", "Go drive off a bridge" and "Finance a Hollywood production Weinstock." None of which were written by me. Oh well. You can make fun of him in my comments, because I'll never censor the Inglorious Pangers. (That one sucks too, we'll get it figured out)
Friday, August 14, 2009
These are the Same Nashville Predators
Free agents: | In | Out: |
The biggest move for the Predators offseason was most definitely keeping Steve Sullivan in the fold. After finishing 10th in the West last season, with teams only getting better around them, it's interesting to see the Preds stand pat from a roster standpoint.
Not to say they're a bad team, but do they really expect Colin Wilson and Antii Pilhstrom to step up? It's a solid core, to be certain, but comparatively to the rest of the West, they just don't stand a chance.
Not much else to say on the Preds, perhaps Shea Weber and Ryan Suter will continue to develop into monsters. Maybe JP Dumont, Arnott, and Sullivan won't get any older, but all in all, good luck in the Central Nashville.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
This Isn't Last Year's Montreal Habitants
Free agents: | In In Trade | Out: |
There's more turnover on this roster than Clay Aiken's bedsheets. Ewww gay jokes. But my God, Gainey had all but said he was going to blow up this roster, so what did he do? He blew the damn thing up. For better or for worse, now that is the question.
The defense got an overhaul with the overpaying of Jaro Spacek and the questionable at best signings, at best, of Pylon #1 and Pylon #2. Hal Gill is still skating back to the bench after Game 7 as we speak. Speaking of overpaying, seeing "All-Star" Mike Komisarek raking in $4.5 million from Toronto will probably end up being Gainey's best move of the Offseason.
And well as for that offense, they replaced their over the hill, overpaid stars for another set of overpaid, over the hill stars, except, of course, for the decent signing of Mike Cammalleri. Taking on Scott Gomez's contract? Did Gainey have sex with Sather's wife? Is that why he did that? He felt bad? Cause, seriously, I have no clue.
As you could probably tell, I'm a little spiteful mood, and I really didn't like, at all, what the Habs did during their offseason. The team was a mess last season, and I don't expect things to be all that different this year. You throw a guy like Saku Koivu under the bus, after representing that franchise so well over the past 13 seasons, frankly, you don't deserve to be anything but a hot mess.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Well I'm Back
Oh well.
The only thing hockey related I really kept up with was the Cycle Like Sedins draft, where naturally, I was playing Armchair GM for the Sabres. Here are my picks so far.
- Henrik Zetterberg
- Patrick Kane
- Bobby Ryan
- Thomas Vanek
- Claude Giroux
- Chris Osgood
What do y'all think? Should I go with one of those, or should I actually get a pivot for my 1a and 1b lines? I'm all kinds of conflicted. Anyways, thanks for welcoming me back Bangin' Sluts (since Panger Pals wasn't universally enjoyed).
Sunday, August 2, 2009
BanginPanger Goes On Vacation
Things will get back goin' sometime next week when I come back. Take care Panger Pals. Cause that's what you're called. I guess.
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