Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Evolution of Martin Brodeur

Ok, so I'm known to rag on Marty Brodeur a little bit. So what? It's the freakin' point of this entire website. Over at SI, they have a gallery that shows the evolution of Brodeur's accomplishments and career highlights.

I'm going to go through the highlights here.

Circa 1980

Circa 1990

Circa 2009

Oh geez did I just shamelessly deride Brodeur again? Oh well, at least I amuse myself. Other websites like to rag on Crosby or Ovechkin, I prefer this big lug.

Where Would van Riemsdyk Fit?

As teams keep falling out of the NCAA tourney (Bemidji State FTW!!! Go Beavers!) there's been a number of signings, notably Nick Petrecki (San Jose, Sharks #2 Prospect), Ryan Stoa (Colorado, Avs #4 Prospect), and Jamie McBain (Carolina, #4 Prospect), with more to come I'm sure.

However, what if a top 10 overall prospect, like James van Riemsdyk joined the Flyers? Where would he fit? After New Hampshire's thrilling win (for those who could watch it on ESPNU) against NoDak on Saturday, the Wildcats fell to #1 seed Boston and fell short of the Frozen Four.

Any excuse to post pictures like this, I will take.

There is some talk that the Wildcat Sophomore van Riemsdyk could be ready to join the Flyer's organization sooner than later. The All-Hockey East 2nd team selection was the 2nd overall pick (behind Patrick Kane) in the 2007 draft. Here's a little blurb about him from the UNH Hockey site.
van Riemsdyk ranks first on the team and sixth in Hockey East in scoring with 39 points in 34 games (1.15 ppg). The sophomore forward was a member of the league’s All-Rookie Team a year ago and elevated his game to become one of the top scorers in Hockey East. van Riemsdyk finished league play fifth in goals with 12 and 13th in assists with 15. He ranks first in Hockey East and second nationally in short-handed goals with four. Overall, van Riemsdyk sits in the top 25 in several offensive categories nationally, including points (19th), goals (24th) and short-handed goals. He finished the regular season with nine multi-point games and scoring streaks of three, four, six and 10 games.
But what can he do?

So if he does sign with Flyers where the hell do you put him? Or does he get the AHL treatment? The Flyer's lines have been so utterly jumbled as of late it's kind of hard to get a bearing, but suffice to say, how would a 3rd line of Giroux, Richards, and vanRiemsdyk sound? Sounds sick biz-nasty. Now if only they could fix that pesty Biron problem.

What do you want Flyers fans? Bring him on? Send him down? Don't wanna mess with chemistry? What say you?

Rob Ray Is "That Guy"

I am an unabashed Rob Ray fan, not only because of his domination of Tie Domi, but he's actually a half decent "In-Between the Benches" reporter, and does shit like that. Or this.

Frankly, he makes McGuire, Christine Sims, and the ultimate homer (other than Jack Edwards) Steve Coates, sound like garbage. Coatsey's Corner makes me want to kill myself.

I've got nothing today, just took a certification exam at work and my head's fried. Expect more videos today, cause thinking just isn't in the cards.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Best Dialogue Yet

First off, if you haven't seen the video, do so now.

Now that you've seen Ben Eager cross check Luongo in the face, we have a Dialogue to do. This comes in 2 parts, the first image is all 6 guys hangin' in the penalty box; Havlat, Kane, Keith, Byflugien, Cam Barker, and Dave Bolland.

And obviously they're talking shit on Mr. Bieksa here, who does his best Mike Ribeiro impression, but what's he sayin'? OMG YOU DECIDE.

Dialogue it.

Update: You guys suck at fan participation. SUCK AT IT

Remember That Other Punching Bag Division?

Over the past few years everyone has been picking on two divisions; the Southeast and Central. The SE is still a punching bag.

I know you remember the days, "Only reason Detroit has so many points is because they feast on the Hawks, Blues, BJs, and Preds to beat up on all year." But then Nashville got good...The Hawks got Toews and Kane...Steve Mason and Rick Nash pwn the world...and the Blues and Preds? Who the hell knows what their deal is right now.

But as of right now, the perennial punching bag that is the Central Division, has all 5 teams in the playoffs. The Blues have ridden a 5 game win streak all the way up to 8th and are most definitely playing the best hockey of their season, same can be said about the Preds.

From top to bottom is the Central the best division in hockey right now? [I never thought I'd ever say that.]

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Can Kiprusoff Do It?

In the year of Marty Brodeur, can Miikka Kiprusoff steal away one of Brodeur's many, many records? Last night, Kiprusoff notched his NHL leading 43rd win of the season, just 5 wins behind the record Marty set last season, 48. Will he do it? Can he do it? Well let's take a look.

Let's take a look at the screen grab shall we? 7 games remain.

Kipper needs to go 5-2 to tie, 6-1 to win, with only 2 games against current playoff teams (of course, that is subject to change) remaining. However, the Flames themselves are just 4-6 in their last ten games, with notable wins over Dallas, Minnesota, and Detroit, but tough losses to Toronto, Atlanta, and St. Louis.

Here's the Flame's records this season against their remaining opponents.

San Jose: 2-1
Dallas: 1-2
Minnesota: 5-0
Los Angeles: 3-0
Vancouver: 2-1-2
Edmonton: 2-2

There you have it, so I ask you, will Kipper get the record? Has Calgary's late season swoon doomed the feat or will Olli, Iggy, Cammy and Co. rise to the occasion? Polllllllllllllllllllll.

Kaleta Concussion; What Do You Think?

Now Kaleta's taken some liberties with hits in the past, but here Tom Kostopoulos Max Lapierre runs at him in a pretty precarious position. Kostopoulos Lapierre got a boarding call while Kostopoulos got a Rivet fist sandwich.

Worse than the Ballard hit last week? Is this suspendable because Kaleta got a concussion (as it seems injury only leads to penalty in Colin Campbell's office)?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Keith Ballard Earns Retribution

Ballard got kind of hammered yesterday for his bush league play on Max Afinogenov Wednesday night. Well, after last night, he gets one back in my book.

Keith breaks out the long lost art of the hip check and absolutely destroys Scott Hartnell. I am an unabashed Hartnell detractor, and watching him get up and immediately go after Ballard after such a clean, and glorious hit, just reinforces my low opinion of him. Suck it up Hartnell, you tried to make a move that you obviously don't have in your repertoire and got PWND. WTG Ballard, WTG.

Dear sweet Lisa, leave him, we can run away together. I may not have the millions the Flyers overpaid him, but I at least get haircuts and stuff.

(Hat tip to Stevens and the guys at The Program for the video find)

5 Things I Hate About You Sunny South Florida

These are supposed to be out on Tuesdays, well, guess what, I didn't do it. So today we get a chance to rag on those Gulf of Mexico flounders known as the Tampa Bay Lightning. As always, if you particularly dislike these guys for some reason, pipe in.

5. Sunny Day, Sweepin' the Clouds Away

The Lightning opened the season on October 11, 2008. The high temperature that day? 87 degrees.

The Lightning came back from the All-Star break on Tuesday, January 27. The high temperature that day? 81 degrees.

The Lightning will close out the home slate this year on Thursday, April 9. The expected high temperature that day? 84 degrees.

From all the Northern hockey fans out there, I would just like to say, go to hell Tampa. Go. To. Hell.

4. The Barry Melrose Show

I think we goated this sucker what seems like eons ago. But let's rehash it. So the guy with 3 years NHL coaching experience, well over a decade ago, gets hired to coach the Lightning. The guy with 1 winning season to his name (yeah, as if it's hard to have a winning season with Gretzky and Robitaille ) and 2 losing, yup, that same guy gets another shot.

And yes, just 16 days later, after all sorts of a shitshow in Tampa, Barry Melrose was fired, and replaced by a felon. How's that for a bitch slap?

3. The Grand Experiment

So, while the NHL began to see proud franchises in hockey areas like Quebec, Hartford, and Winnipeg begin to struggle in the early 90's, they decided it would be a great time to expand (Bettman took over in '93, so this cannot all be blamed on him...unfortunately). Ottawa and Tampa awarded franchises in '92, Anaheim and Miami, FL in '93.

This was the beginning of the NHL's expansion to "non-traditional" markets, aka markets with no fans, no reason to be fans, and a struggle for survival. How's this Grand Experiment turned out? Tampa's been sold, Phoenix is struggling to make ends meet, and Florida plays to half empty arenas, so, you tell me.

2. The Jerseys

I can seem to find a reason to bitch about anyone's jersey or logo, and guess what, Tampa is no exception. Yup, according to some cartography experts, Florida does indeed look like a giant flaccid penis. Tallahassee is actually a ball sac, explains so much about Bobby Bowden doesn't it?

Now I know I already made mention of this, but seriously, tell me it doesn't looked wrapped up and used. Dirty, dirty.

Now let's look at some awesome mid-90s style! I don't even have to ridicule this, unto itself it is simply bound for ridicule. It looks like a badly designed roller hockey jersey.

1. They've Got A Cup. The Tampa Bay Lightning Have A Cup.

How sad is that? Many a proud organization haven't tasted cereal from Lord Stanley, but the Tampa Bay Lightning have. The Tampa Bay Lightning. The Bolts. St. Louis Blues, been in the league since 1967, no cups. The Buffalo Sabres and Vancouver Canucks, both founded in 1970, no cups. But the Tampa Bay Lightning, founded in 1992, does. It's bullshit, and as a Sabres fan, utterly depressing.

Honorable Mention: The lightningbug mascot, insanely hot female fans, playing in the Southeast Division, Seen Stamkos?, Darren Puppa, 7th All Time leading scorer? Chris Gratton.

Got anything else? Why do you hate the Lightning? As always, check out the previous entries.

He'd Hit That: You're Fired Edition

Oh we've had some fun with the players. But I think we'll shift gears here today, to cougars (and daughters?) of some former NHL coaches. Ahh yes, let us begin.

Here we have the recently fired Guy Carbonneau, who by little fault of his own, was canned by the Habs and replaced by GM Bob Gainey. Bob Gainey, he who has led the Habs to a winning percentage less than Guy. So we're going to take this time to say farewell, au revoir, dear Guy, and say Helllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooo to his daughter.

Even though Guy's oldest daughter Ann Marie, is married to Brendan Morrow (fun fact, Carbonneau and Morrow played together, son-in-law & father-in-law in the same locker room, creepy), I like this one better. Let's move on...

...to everyone's favorite punching bag; Michel Therrien. Yes, that was his wife, until she fired him too. Ok, that's a lie, she's a crazy bitch, with multiple altercations with Quebec police. Hell, you know when an NHL coach wins a custody battle, with the traveling and such, you must be one heckuva shitty mother. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I'd nail her just the same at "Over 40 Drinks Free" night, just sayin.

I'm still not over Guy's daughter. Hell, I'm still not over Lisa Hartnell. Or Sonja. Or...you get the point.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Portal: What is it?

Ok folks, the marketing geniuses of the NHL have something new and exciting for you; The Portal. Coming on April 13th, the Portal will be like something we've never seen before? It's like...revolutionary or something? It's...well, I haven't a clue, and neither do you. So heck yeah, we're guessing.

There you have it. Behind those very internet doors is everything I've ever wanted, and everything I could ever want, if I knew that thing that I know I want, even if I don't know that I want it, because it may or may not exist, exists.

Good God. So apparently Gary Bettman doesn't think I know that there are indeed beer waterfalls and endless supplies of leggy blondes who don't care how immature, vulgar, or lazy I am, psch, whatever Gare-bear (my nickname for G dawg {my other nickname for Bettman}).

Now the real question is, what is the Portal? Any guesses?

Update:: The regular season ends April 12th, could it be...free online streaming of non-televised playoff games?!?!?!?

Update:: Or will it just be this...and a total let down...

So Would You Consider this Dirty or Just Classless?

We've been all over the place in what we consider dirty, classless, unnecessary basically cause we're dirty, stinky homers, and according to JToB at CycleLikeTheSedins.com, poopy heads. His words, not mine.

But last night, during the Sabres thrilling 5-3 comeback victory over those pesky Florida Panthers, there were some definite questionable shenanigans. Let's set up the background, shall we. The Panthers had taken the lead 3-1 early in the 3rd period on a Mike Frolik goal, however in the span of just 2 minutes 7 seconds, the Sabres held a 4-3 lead.

With less than a minute left, Max Afinogenov, for the first time in 4 years, was on the ice, stole the puck and took off down the side wall. He lets go the open netter, game iced. 5-3. Brawl ensues. Video ensues.

Now as you watch there in that clip, Keith Ballard doesn't dive to try to stop the shot (he was definitely not real worried about Max actually getting that puck), no, he turns on edge and heads straight for Afinogenov. Nate Horton jobs him from behind too. Yeah, hands to the face, etc. etc.

So once Max gets up and realizes no one wants to celebrate with him, he joins the fray. Things got ugly. Rivet gives Ballard an endless supply of noogies and we're all happy campers.

Obviously the Panthers were pretty frustrated, 4 unanswered goals, fighting for their playoff lives, letting Max score on them...but is that warranted? The last time you saw an empty netter, is that how the opposing team reacted?

Was that dirty? Unnecessary? Non-topic? Vance fishing for topics to write about?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Fan of the Week: With a Holiday Flair, in March

Yeah this doesn't make a lick of sense, but, the best Blackhawk fan pictures all seem to be around Winter Classic time, so this is what you get.

Yeah, that really happened. I could just hear it in the bleachers at Wrigley, "Hey Frosty, move that gigantic cotton candy! How's the view from Sugar Heaven BITCH!" I doubt that really happened. Hilarious.

Well if you don't find that awkward enough, how bout Pat Kane sitting on the lap of a grown man?What asshat decided "Hey, let's have Duncan Keith and Patty pose with Santa! Oh this will be cute, Patrick, please sit on the lap of the worst Santa impersonator in all of Illinois." He's so awkwardly positioned its like his right hand is trying to hide his hard on while Santa tickles his backside.

Yeah I know this is a weak Fan of the Week, but what do you want from me. The other Fan's of the Week are here. And I swear, I promise, sometime, I will do the 5 Things I Hate About Tampa post soon. Not like you care, but still.

Marty Gerber's Pissed at Life

And the refs. How this is considered a goal I'll never know, Brooks Laich pushes him back into the net pretty hardcore. Either way, it's the Leafs, so it makes it funny.

At the 0:20 mark Gerber's eyes stare straight through your soul. It's borderline scary.

I promise I'll have the Lightning bashing post up soon enough, piss off.

Geno Does the Cooking By The Book

Haven't had much time for posting lately...and that's not going to change today. But this is too good to pass up. Little words are needed, so without further ado...I give you...Cooking with Geno. Enjoy.

Question: Who the hell is that hot girl?

[Ed. Note - Denson I know this will upset you...but that is Alyonka Larionov, daughter of Igor, and yes, former girlfriend of Alex Ovechkin. Sorry to dash your hopes. I knew I recognized her somewhere.

- Vance]

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I'm Busy, So Time Filling Dialogue

I'm going to keep posting these, until I get full fan participation. FULL PARTICIPATION. The last one was so ripe for anal jokes, that it almost got played out too soon. Well, this one is a little more awkward, a little more bro-mancing, give us your best Cam Ward and Mike Rupp dialogue.

[In actuality, I'm really busy at work, and haven't gotten to the 5 reasons why we all hate the Tampa Bay Lightning, I'll have to write that this evening I suppose, but a preview...
...Tell me the "Florida" portion of that logo doesn't look like a used condom, complete with panhandle ballsac and reservoir tip flush with Alex Semin. All in time, all in time.]

You Don't Hear Much Good News Out of Buffalo Anymore

Ryan Miller Update

But this is about as good as it gets these days. Ryan Miller returned to the ice yesterday, and practiced in full pads for the first time since Scotty Gomez may or may not have slewfooted him on February 21st.
As a first time offender, Ryan Miller wouldn't be suspended for two handing Gomez in the junk.

In that month long span, the Sabres have been in a free fall, and having to sit through my friend's Penguin surge into the top 6 has been utterly frustrating. While they plan the parade I'm sitting here disgusted, browsing ISS rankings, and waiting for the day I see that overpaid Mexican in NYC so I can Crosby him from behind (no homo). But that's not here nor there.

Yesterday at practice Miller took the majority of shots, while Tellqvist and Lalime split time at the other side of the rink. Of course, there's no "timetable" for his return, but he's definitely saying the right things for a long term perspective.

"My plan is to get in as quick as possible, but I really can't tell you when that's going to be," Miller said. "It's all dependent on how quickly I get myself up to speed and how my ankle reacts. You don't want to do anything too quick."

"We're trying to go day by day and evaluate it," he said. "We're going to see how it reacts over the whole day. I was excited about being out there today, but it was a little bit more tender than I thought. I just have to learn how to deal with that stuff."

"Sitting out the last month has been eating away at me and I want to be out there," Miller said. "But I want to be smart. A goalie who is not 100 percent right now is not what we need."

Naturally since Miller's demise the Sabres have gone a paltry 3-7-2, good enough for 30th in the league since that date, yet somehow, they sit only 5 points back of Montreal in 8th, 4 back of the Panthers in 9th (with whom they have a date tomorrow).

It's pretty doubtful that Miller returns on Wednesday, but reporters on hand yesterday at practice said Miller showed no ill effects from the absence or injury. So will Ryan Miller make his triumphant return on Friday at home against Toronto or Saturday at Montreal? Would that raise the spirits of a slumping team or too little, too late?

Thanks Scotty Gomez. Go to hell.

Lindy Ruff Talks

Lindy's taken some hits here in the past week, with his team weltering under the pressure of a playoff push without their starting goaltender. Pundits are taking cracks at both the players and the coach, Lindy, as he has in his decade at the helm, takes it all in stride.

"When you're not playing well, they'll point at the coach," Ruff said. "I think it's fair. We've had some players who haven't performed to where we want, and that's my responsibility. I don't think there's any ducking that."

However, the player's want the blame completely focused on them. Craig Rivet, doing his best impression of a Captain said "Let me tell you, this has nothing to do with the coach. It has to do with the players performing."

Thomas Vanek was a tad more blunt. "Everyone is the problem. It's everyone together. It's easy for fans to say it's his fault or [the players]. It's one team. The players are the ones on the ice. We have to do our jobs better."
Mr. Jack Adams says I keep my job.

Often the Buffalo beat writer's like to say that the Sabres don't "buy into the system," well Lindy takes a pretty no-nonsense level in that regard.
What message, getting the message is you go out and try to garner the play. You try to get the greater number of opportunities, give up the lesser number of opportunities. For the most part in the game in New York, despite the back-to-back, our effort was greater. Someone has to tell me what type of message they don't think their getting."
So if he's taking responsibility for the poor play, but won't blame his roster players, well, guess where he ultimately places the onus? Yeah, goaltending and the loss of Ryan Miller. During this hideous 3-7-2 span, Sabres goaltending has given up 3.33 goals a game (4.11 in the losses), simply put, that won't win you the important games.

"Part of it does start with the starting goaltender," Ruff said during his weekly 8 a.m. Tuesday appearance on The Howard Simon Show. "Our numbers with Ryan (Miller) in goal are there (though) you never want to make excuses."

"I think our roster is good enough, but I think it's really hard to evaluate things when your starting goaltender is out."

We'll see if Tom Golisano and Darcy Regeir put the ultimate onus on Lindy, and the fate of his job, at the end of season.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Attn: Flyer's Fans Fathead Deal

Throwin' this out there for the Flyer's fans in the world. Today's Fathead big deal is Mike Richards. Usually fathead's run $99.99 but it looks like today you can get Mike Richards for $49.99.

A pretty good deal actually. I've always wanted a LJ, or PSU football helmet, but can't justify a hundred bucks for the thing. I could definitely do $50 though. Consider this your warning.

Another PSA brought to you by BanginPanger. Use code SHIPBIG to get free shipping too. Very niiiiiiiiiice.

I Love the AHL

Reason #632 to love minor league hockey. Shit goes crazy.

Now earlier in the year, around Christmas time, I was at a Hershey Bears game, and got to witness a fantastic exchange between the referees, Chris Bourque (Ray's son), and Bears coach Bob Woods. Now this picture was taken from my phone, so excuse the graininess, but, see the dots on the left hand side? Those are the water bottles thrown at the officials from Coach Woods, standing on the sideboards, being held back by his players. It was thoroughly fantastic (Hershey packs em in for minor league hockey eh?)

Even funnier? Woods' post game comments...
“I wasn’t throwing the water bottles at him. I used to be a pitcher. I had pretty good accuracy, so if I wanted to throw it at him, I’m pretty sure I would have hit him.”
Now on to last Friday night, brought to you by Puck Daddy via Bruins Blog, Bruins prospect Tukka Rask just goes absolutely ape shit, nearly Marty McSorley-ing the official a half dozen times.

The greatest part is...he's right! That first goal was absolute garbage, moving backwards after losing control of the puck? That's bush league officiating...wonder if it's the same guy?

I'm gonna look it up...I'll get back to you.

Update:: It's not the same guy. The Bears official was David Banfield, the Bruins Frederick L'Ecuyer, at least we know the officiating isn't any better in the minors?

The Red-Headed Step Child of the NHL: Evgeni Malkin

We know we've been slacking around here lately, our usual preview/recap posts have gone by the wayside as we focus on other stuff. Oh well.

But I want to take this time to talk about the "other" best player in the league: Evgeni Malkin. Everyone talks Crosby - Ovechkin until their eyes bleed, usually I just get a pounding headache. I guess that's just because of Crosby the anti-hero, and Ovechkin the anti-hero, are complete antitheses of each other. All the while the reserved, laid-back Malkin simply continues to play, put up points, and some will say, lead the Penguins resurgence (I tend to disagree, but that's here nor there, oh wait, it is down there).
I will Post this picture whenever I get the chance

I'm glad it takes a guy, who's been relegated to the press box the last couple weeks with an injury to point this out. My friend (make believe) Ryan Miller told James Duthie over at TSN this...
"He is overshadowed and I can never understand why," says Buffalo goalie Ryan Miller, who ranks Malkin among the most dangerous players he has ever faced. "People always seem to just gravitate towards one or two players in a sport. Malkin is like Dwayne Wade this year in the NBA, having an amazing season but everybody just talks about Kobe and LeBron."
Now this is as much the NHL's and media's fault for guiding...er, leading...er, forcing only these 2 players down our throats, but let's try to change that. It's always been professional sport's modus operandi to key in on a couple guys and market them to the world, but it only seems like the NHL and NBA key on a few players. The MLB and NFL have multitudes of faces, personalities and squads that resonate across the globe, so they don't really apply here.

But look at the NBA, as a hockey fan can you name anyone outside Lebron, Kobe, Shaq, or Yao Ming? Probably not. As a basketball fan could you name anyone outside...Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin? Probably not.
Undoubtably, this will be a dialogue sometime soon.

Now back to the matter at hand, Evgeni Malkin has arguably been the MVP of the league this year, consistently putting up numbers with a rag tag bunch of wingers assembled by Ray Shero. He won't win though, but why not?

Well his team, outside of the last 2 weeks was mired outside the top 8, and their resurgence simply won't be attributed to Malkin. While he's played every game of the season, their turnaround coincided with the return of Crosby and Gonchar's from injury, Therrien's long awaited dismissal, and the arrival of Chris Kunitz on the top line. It's like a perfect storm for Pittsburgh, minus Mark Wahlberg. So once again, Evgeni Malkin's play will be overlooked. Travesty? Maybe, maybe not.

So Evgeni, at least BanginPanger, Ryan Miller, Penguin's Fanboys united, and probably the rest of the NHL Players Association, give you the respect you deserve, even if the hardware doesn't come along with it. My guess is he ends up with the Art Ross, and hopefully, the Lester B. Pearson, but if he doesn't, he'll still be the least heralded superstar this league has seen since...Jari Kurri?

The Dialogue: The Ovechkin Debate

Give us your dialogue. We got Ovechkin, Greener, and Lukas Krajicek. Fire away. And this time actually do it, buttholes.

Friday, March 20, 2009

He'd Hit That: I Love Scandinavia

Let's be honest. Swede's and Finn's are basically the same people, kinda like how Canadians are basically Americans (ooooooooh shoooooooooooot), and you know what, I'm OK with that. Why? Those girls are freakin' gorgeous.

Just Google Swedish swim team and see what happens, yeah, you'll be wailin' away on yourself in your cube. And this brings us to another fun filled edition of He'd Hit That, this week featuring Piritta Hannula, the wife and bombshell to...Niklas Hagman. Wait, woah woah woah, hold the phone, Niklas Hagman has a wife that could be labeled as a "bombshell"?

Each one of these that I do; where I pick out some marginal NHL player (he's on the Leafs for Christ's sake) to pick on, it just makes me more depressed about my loneliness, errr I mean, I'd beat that up, I mean, Damn. I need to start hangin' out with NHL players. OK, to the girl, pervs.

Bird shit commentary aside, Hagman wins. I mean, this might as well be Elin Nordgren (Tiger Wood's wife) who, if I might add, is Scandinavian. She may not be up there with Scott Hartnell's wife (I miss you, call me if he doesn't treat you well) but all in all Nik Hagman, you've done well for yourself. Now wipe that stupid effing smirk off your face.

Like always, find the rest of the lovely Friday afternoon ladies here. Pervs.

You know, I Really Just Don't like Dallas.

"Oh Vance, what now? Why do you have another vendetta against the Dallas organization? It's not Brett Hull again is it?" Oh no, it's far worse, it's...the Jonas Brothers.

Who decided it'd be a good idea to give those three fruits a genuine sweater? Oh, yeah, I guess it is Brett Hull's fault. VIDEO!

From an 11 year old girl, pictured, had this to say...
But before that we got to go backstage and meet them. We went into a room and got to meet and take a picture with them. It was so cool I could barely stand up straight. We also brought them Dallas Stars jerseys with their name on the back. They were really nice and cool.
Hehehehehe. Her giney tickled. It's funny cause it's true. VIDEO!

So awful, yet so funny. The 1:05 of that video is priceless. Suck it, Dallas.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Goat of the Week: Martin Brodeur

I'm so tired of the Marty Brodeur talk. I'm really happy for him, I really am. I'm glad he's getting all the press that he rightfully deserves, but Martin, sweet Martin. You know what no one enjoys? Hubris. You realize how much of a dick you sounded earlier this week? "It just puts me in a class of my own."

Really? One win and all of a sudden Patrick Roy isn't in the conversation? I'll give you a class of your own...Pilates, fat ass. Well, since everyone and their uncle is blowing Brodeur as if he's Sidney Crosby, well, it's time to bring Sweet Cheeks back down to earth. How? How's $500,000 a year sound?

Why are we giving Martin Brodeur the Goat of the Week? Well, I think we can compare him to one of the other media sponsored athletes of our generation; Lance Armstrong. Now don't get me wrong, he is a phenomenal athlete, but he too, is a giant piece of shit (Bono, Lance Armstrong, Kim Jong Il, in that order). If you'd recall Lance left his wife and children for Sheryl Crow (you stay classy Lance).

Now, I don't like delving into athlete's personal lives (that's a lie) but goodness, Marty's life this decade is like a bad story arc in Days of Our Lives. His now ex-wife, Melanie DuBois, with whom Marty has 4 kids, filed for divorce in 2003. Why? Oh, he was just cheating on her with her brother's wife. And yes, Marty Brodeur married that woman in 2008 . Fantastic role model for the kids, but then again, he does reside in Jersey.

Well as much as his personal life didn't seem to bother his play on the ice, maybe the hit to his checking account will. Today Martin has been forced by the New Jersey Appeals Court to pay $500,000 in alimony, per year, all the way until 2020 (when his youngest child graduates college). He will be paying $500K for over 10 years, yeah, do the math. $5 million plus.

Don't feel sorry for Marty, he doesn't need that money. But, she probably does. Anyways, this is our way of letting Mr. Brodeur know, you still have a job to do. Records may last forever, but I'd rather have a yacht with a helipad.
Martin Brodeur joins the ranks of other, and probably much more deserving, Goats of the Week. As always, find the rest of em here.

Completely & Utterly NSFW

...But amazing just the same. I've made fun of Panther's fans in my day. But this deserves no ridicule, but rather applause, for not only our new lady friend, but to her Doctor as well.

For the sake of the children, I'm only posting the link to the original article. But a preview...well, let's just say she gets a little...er, a lot of exposure on the glass. And she's right on the ice...so I'm sure those things could cut glass.

This one's got some censorship. Still top, bottom, and side boob, just no...mid boob?

Thanks to Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs we've now got the version where there's uncensored goodness.

What a gal.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The All-Dirty Name Team

Dirty names are funny, remember that first time you read Mike Hunt or Mike Hock and realized exactly how funny that was. Maybe you just happen to be "legendary" NASCAR driver Dick Trickle, either way, hockey players have funny names too.

So here now I present to you, the first dirty name team.


Oh, lord. Your last name is Legwand. Leg. Wand. Your childhood must have been hideous...ly hilarious. Not until I was browsing the rosters did I ever sit and realize quite how funny the last name Legwand truly is, phonetically speaking of course.

Left Wing
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your starting left wing, Ryan "The Master" Bayda! You see what I did there? I added master in front of his last name, so it sounds like masturbator. Oh come on, you know it was funny.

Right Wing
Probably the most obvious of our team (and most talented), literally sir, your last name is Semin. It doesn't get much dirtier than that. Semin. Semen. Hehe.

Yeah, Johnny "I would totally" Oduya starts here on the backline. Between his come hither stare and millions I don't know how the girls of Newark don't come crawling. Oh, you mean Johnny's not interested? Why? Oh yeah, cause they're Jersey Girls...and he goes by Johnny.

Playing right along side Johnny "You're so hideous I would never" Oduya would be Jeff "Magic" Finger. Whether from the backend or deep in the zone, Finger is always achin' to score. Also his last name is 3rd base. That's funny.

Yes, that's right. His last name is Johnson. It's yet another penis joke. But there aren't really many good dirty goalie names, at least none that aren't a stretch. Oh well, Johnson is funny, but only moderately better than Quick, DiPi, or Harding.

Honorable Mention
RW - Jordin Tootoo - Nashville Predators
LW - Alex Tanguay - Montreal Canadiens
C - Radek Bonk - Nashville Predators
Anyone else with the lastname Johnson or Peters

D - Jonas Ahnelov - Phoenix Coyotes
RW - Tyler Shelast - Dallas Stars
LW - Ryan Dingle - Anaheim Ducks
D - Grant Clitsome - Columbus Blue Jackets
D - Thomas Hickey - LA Kings

Did I miss any names? Personally my favorite, by far, is Mr. Ahnelov, how hilariously awful is it that his last name looks, but may not sound, like anal love? Clitsome is a close second.

Fan of the Week: Alberta is Chock Full of Pale Gingers

I'm a dumbass. In my anticipation to mock Carolina I just skipped Calgary, I can't even look at team's in alphabetical order and get them right. Jessssussss Chrisssssst.

But Calgary definitely has one of the more fanatical fan bases, with the "Sea of Red" and so on and so forth. You get a bunch of Western Canadians together with little to do, well, it's a recipe for disaster. You start...dressing up, and snarling (I guess).

You know, I tend to steer clear of sequined bell bottoms at hockey rinks, due to the obvious homophobic tendencies of hockey fans in general, but these guys did not get that memo.

Moving on. Some fans have a sense of humor.

This reminds me of my college years, like 3 years ago, when ESPN's College GameDay was at Penn State for a showdown with Ohio State. There was a sign that read "A.J. Hawk plays with my little ponies" and another that said "Ohio is a fake state" neither truly made sense, both equally hilarious. My only question is, where'd those guys get a pair of sensual, lacy panties?

And our last picture of the week features Calgary's own (well Hanna, Alberta, close enough.) rock mega-group...Nickelback!

Wait, that's not Nickelback? Well, I bet they're just as talented and equally douchey. I hate these kids, and God I hate Nickelback. Suck it, Nickelback. Get a damn haircut yah hippies. Also, lady with child on the far right, please, pants next time. Dear God please, some pants, and maybe a little sunlight. Palest people on earth.

As always you can find other douchebag fans here, just where you like 'em.

New BanginPanger Feature: The Dialogue

I'll let everyone else in the world congratulate Marty Brodeur, he did what he did, WTG big guy. But then again, I called him out earlier in the year, then went way overboard in one extended fat joke, so you all know what I think about him (HASEK/ROY FTW!).

But here's somethin' new, and we expect, hell, we demand, fan participation. Down there in that Crosby - Savvy conjecture post, buried within the comments, are a bunch of fake dialogues, each hysterical, all worthy, if you haven't read those comments yet, do so.

But here's what's gonna happen. We're going to post a picture, usually in bad taste, and it's up to you, all 14 loyal BanginPanger readers, to chronicle your alternate history of the pic. Essentially it's a caption contest, but not as pithy nor douchey. Make sense? If it doesn't you're a dumbass. On to the picture.

Move to the comments for the fun, or highly illiterate musings of a bunch of dicknoses.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

5 Things I Hate About You: Toronto Maple Leafs

I'm sitting here, marveling at the fact that for whatever reason, yesterday was a record setting day in terms of traffic for the site. Obviously, for you established "bloggers" a couple thousand people visiting is old hat, but for us, it's pretty cool.

But after we were done patting ourselves on the back, we had to get back to thinking of things to write about. After all, no one cares about Atlanta winning 6 in a row or Nashville finally scoring more than 2 goals. So here we are, with another rendition of 5 Things I hate About You. We've previously covered Washington and Vancouver, but now we get to one of the Original Six; the Toronto Maple Leafs.

5. Golf! Leafs! Golf!

I think Andrew Peters, who in his sole worthwhile action on the ice ever, fantastically got his point across, and mine. After years and years of May golfing, make that 5 years in a row now (32 or so years of June golf!), these guys must have the lowest handicap outside of Mike Weir. Hell, CuJo might be better than Weir (but we all know Jamal Mayers is no Tiger Woods).

4. The Sweater

Personally I like the clean lines and classic colors that make up the Leafs jersey. But there are those who want to see it drug through the mud and sunk in the bottom of a harbor. Their choice, not mine.

3. The Leaf Blower

Yes, this was 100% an excuse to get the Leaf Blower a lil more face time. Haha, what a man...I think. Yeah, he's propositioning you for face time with his big black dildo. You know, it's things like big black dildos and goat humping that our website will never be taken seriously. Oh well.

2. Tie Domi

Tie Domi apparently made a career of getting his ass handed to him by Rob Ray. I have that fight card at 6 wins Ray, 3 wins Domi, 4 draws. Either way, this guy is universally hated, as a player, person, broadcaster, name it. His parents don't even love him, he was adopted. That's not true, the adoption part I mean, his parents really don't love him though.

1. The Fans

Now I'm just sittin' around thinking, what about the Leafs is so reviling that most of 29 other franchises all despise them? It has to be the fans. It just seems to obvious now. These arrogant bastards get to wear Canada's maple leaf on their chest and they are overwhelmed by a false sense of self entitlement.

In Buffalo they all take the 90 minute drive down the QEW and act like they own the joint. You can always be sure to find some Leaf's fan disrespecting themselves in some way. But it really is funny, they have such a high sense of themselves, but to the hundreds of hockey fans out there, they are completely and utterly irrelevant. Even Nashville fans laugh at you.

It's this inferiority complex, perhaps even a shade Napoleonic, that makes you who you are Toronto fan. Never change. Who will we mock if you do?

Honorable Mentions: Associating with Brian Burke, Tiger Williams, Darcy Tucker, Mike Gartner's earring, Wendel Clark's life partner, Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd., 13 Stanley Cups predating Vietnam

Monday, March 16, 2009

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Take a gander at the pic below...it's from the Pens/Bruins game yesterday afternoon. Notice anything strange about this picture? An avid hockey fan would probably catch it.

Game on
Don't see it? Take a closer look at Crosby...

Still no? Ok here's a hint.

Again...look at Crosby....

Pregame Ceremony

Finally. Yes. He is not wearing a visor in the first picture...even though he started the game with it on.

Why is this news? 1. Cause I'm a Fanboy. 2. Because of the intriguing story behind it. Apparently...and this is rumor/speculation...Marc Savard and Sid Crosby are not very fond of one another and at some point early in the game Sunday, Crosby or Savard challenged the other to a fight. Savard apparently refused to fight Crosby because he was wearing a visor and he must have belittled/antagonized him so much because... what's Crosby do?...next shift he unscrews the visor, takes it off, and goes back on the ice. Hilarious. Savard called Crosby out...so Crosby called Savard out. Good times.

EDIT: Sidney Crosby does not take off his own visor...that's what equipment managers are for.

Now I didn't see any of the game because I was stuck in an airport and Ustream is big gay so I don't know if AFTER Crosby took the visor off if they got into any scuffles or whatever, but I just think it's funny.

Maybe when Ovechkin got under Crosby's skin a couple weeks ago it spread across the league that you need to harass the guy and get under his skin to get him off his game. Who knows. But I'm pretty sure the rest of the league is finding out that "getting him off...hehe...his game" usually back fires. Ovie did it well once. Then Crosby responded. I'm sure Ovie will respond back with another great game. That's the way it works with those two.

Crosby at least called Savard out, and from what I know, the two never did tango.

Keep in mind this isn't a post about blowing Crosby or anything. Just reporting what I've heard on the radio today...and for the love of Gawd...don't compare this to the Ovechkin/Crosby "feud". I think we've all had enough of the shit.

Hershey Bears: Leading the Charity Jersey Trend

Again, with the charity jerseys. The Hershey Bears are back with their annual St. Patricks Day jersey, putting em on last night against the Bridgeport Sound Tigers. Once again, just like the venerable Valentine's Day jerseys, these clover-laden green sweaters went to auction after the game, benefiting charity in Central PA. Well, let's take a look at 'em.

Aside from how completely unnatural the green bear looks. I like the overall design of the front of that jersey, the striping is pretty one-of-a-kind (hockey wise) and really goes well with the Mountain Dew backwall behind him. The black sleeves (and socks) actually looks pretty cool and works decently well. Hey, if you're going by just that picture, well hell, they look pretty damn nice. That could adorn my wall anyday...

...but then you move on, and get to see the rest of the sweater. Now the pictures I've been able to find so far don't really model the jerseys all too well, but this much we know. On the right shoulder is a leprechaun's top hat, on the left shoulder a pot of gold, yeah they're not even the same thing. They can't, you know, have symmetrical logos/tacky shit on the shoulder? Really? No? Ok. Strike one.

Now on the first picture, get this, Cheese's blocker is, ok wait for it, blocking this, but here it looks like there's a prancing leprechaun there on the right front side. Judging by the other pictures located here at the Hershey Bears site, it looks like there's a pot of gold there on the back as well. Along with some mysterious floating clovers. Strike two. At least there's no rainbow. Thank God there's no rainbow. God, we'd have had a heyday if there was a rainbow.

I think it's pretty safe to say that Perrault here was happy he decided to tuck it in. Overall though, it's not too bad, far better than the pink one's, but may be just a little more tacky. More tacky than the hearts, pink swirls, and magenta twirlies? That's tacky.

But hey, it's for charity, so we're all winners here. The Bears were winners too, taking back over the East division (and conference) points lead with a 3-2 victory.

Gonna have to say thanks and credit for the pictures goes to JustSports Photography and the Hershey Bears.

What do y'all think? Do we like the St. Patrick's Day jersey?

What is it? Focus? Coaching? Desire?

You people (what do you mean, you people?) always say good teams win the games they should. Right? Makes sense? Of course it does. But here's the thing, the Sabres don't always do that, as in, like, never. This team is an enigma. A cruel, cruel joke on the poor bastards that consider themselves fans of this team.

Well, let's take a look at the numbers shall we.

15. NY Islanders : 2 - 2
14. Tampa Bay Lightning : 2 - 2
13. Atlanta Thrashers : 0-3
12. Ottawa Senators : 1-4
11. Toronto Maple Leafs: 3-1

Against the bottom 5 teams in the Eastern Conference, the Sabres have compiled a FANTASTIC record of 8-12, with, thank God, 4 more games against these guys down the home stretch. Let's not forget the losses to Phoenix, Anaheim, and the Avalanche as well, all bottom feeders in the West.

But then you compare it with records against the top 3 seeds in the East.

1. Boston Bruins : 3-2
2. New Jersey Devils : 2 - 1
3. Washington Capitals : 1 - 2

Uhhhhhhhh, WTF? Oh wait, don't forget about the wins against Vancouver and San Jose as well.

So you see, this is insanely frustrating for us Sabres fans. But it begs to ask the question; what's the root of this enigmatic play? It can't be grit; between Kaleta, Goose, Rivet, and Mair, there's plenty to go around. Is it a will to win? Maybe, but you can't really argue with the records against the top of the league. Frankly I think it's a laissez-faire attitude with this team, what happens, just happens. You see them play like hell against the top brass, but then blow a 2 goal home lead against the Thrashers in the last 6 minutes?

One thing is for certain, they need to get their shit together. But frankly, I think it's a little too late.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

We're Back...Tomorrow

After a 10 hour drive, don't even expect me to write anything.

Just know, tomorrow we'll be back.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Bangin Panger Goes on Spring Break

No, we're not college students, but we're goin' on Spring Break anyway. We would give someone the reins to the site, but I'm very egotistical.

Our hiatus will run us through Sunday, and any posts you get will be via mobile, so get over it.

So here's an addendum to last week's He'd Hit That, more Miss Gaborik.

Once again, Gaborik rolls pimpin', his gal pal doesn't like it. And Hossa does nothing but fuel the homosexuality rumors. Oh well.

Fan of the Week: A State Non-Deserving of Hockey

Oh the Carolina Hurricanes, it's funny. A once proud franchise in Hartford, they've failed to recreate that passion with the basketball fans along Tobacco Road. Oh wait, they can't seem to hear me with their Stanley Cup ring in their ears...Damn you Cam Ward, damn you.

Anyways they play to crowds on 30 nights a year, when they aren't at home in Raleigh, or in Tampa, or Atlanta, well I guess any road game inside the Southeast Division really. Suckers. Well, bout time to make fun of some fans, for whatever reason I see fit.
Actually, that's partially true. It was this fan, then Miami U fans, then Carolina Hurricanes pics. Funny, because that's literally a Carolina Hurricanes fan. Stupid. Well, let's make fun of southern culture a little bit, why? Cause I can.

But in all honesty, we owe a lot to the armed forces, so thank you for that, but you still shouldn't give inquisitive children weapons larger than they are. Hmm, let's move on to the token "I'm an awkward teen vying for the attention of the opposite sex, but due to my misunderstanding I'm stricken to a life of virginity and Halo" guy.

Yup, there he is. Sorry pal. The 90's called, they want their bowl cut back. Ok, last but not least, the most ridiculous of the bunch. Grandmas Gone Wild.

I wanna party with her. Now the question is; was she really gridin' on the mascot, is the mascot creeping, or is she in the midst of a crippling stroke whilst the cow/pig mascot catches her? I think it's a legitimate question to ask.

Other Fans of the Week? Find 'em here.
Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.