Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Photo Gallery: The Worst Hockey Tattoo's in North America

In lieu of today's feature on deriding some Colorado Avalanche fans and telling them to go drink as much as they can, and subsequently go drive around as fast as they can, we're going to change it up, throw a photo gallery at y'all here this morning.

I've happened upon what might be the funniest set of self-deprecating pictures on the web, user submitted hockey tattoo's to The Hockey News...because nothing says "fan" like mad ink. But in this case, we're going to showcase the worst of the worst, the saggiest of the saggy, and the hairiest legs you've seen since you last left Alberta.

So which one is the worst? I think they're all equally terrible in their own ways. Really, a portrait of Jeremy Roenick? Is that seriously an amusement park caricature of Mark Messier? Is that really a beaver across your back? A pregnant Winnie the Pooh?

How high are these people when they get these done? Yoda? YODA?

If you are the owner of one of these beasts, please, PLEASE, post in the comments. I really, really want to make fun of you.


Chris said...

The only half-decent one is MAYBE MAYYYYYYBE the rangers one.

Chris said...

Actually I take that back, I wouldn't want a whole skyline with a Rangers logo taking up my whole arm.

Vance said...

I mean, there were a lot of just generic logo tattoos that simply weren't worth the giant effort to upload, but sweet lil baby Jesus, these are pathetic.

Denson said...

Haha the cartoon Messier is my favorite.

Anything Jeremy Roenick is uber gay.

slutnuts said...

the messier has the dates wrong. he wasnt there from 1991 through 2006.
also how does that sabres tat feel now that they dont use the logo anymore?

Vance said...

The best part of the Sabres tat is that it's actually backwards...technically the Goat head goes the other way. I guess it doesn't really matter but it's still completely laughable

Glenn said...

Milhouse in net is pretty solid.

Vance said...

I actually like the Milhouse one too, and figured it was worth a posting or else it would be lost to internet oblivion.

Matt said...

Hey, Mr. Vance, did you really say Goat head re: the Sabes logo? I hope that's some joke I'm not getting, because I'm pretty sure that's a buffalo, you know, like the city they play in?

I also think the rangers/WTC one is pretty solid and Millhouse is funny, although I'd never want that tattoo'd on me...

Now the Messier caricature, that's just ridiculous. I like that the quote for "Captain is opened, but never closed.

Reed-CK said...

Good Lord. This makes the hockey furry pictures look like child's play. What the hell is wrong with these people.

Vance said...

I, as a Sabres fan, classify the 3 generations of Sabres logos as the Crossed Swords, the Goat Head, and the Slug.

Yes, in fact I do realize it is a Buffalo. Must be yours.

Arruda said...

Man, Roy's 33 on that guys back has to be one of the dumbest tats I've seen in a really long time. It's he AVS lettering too. It's safe to say that Roy will always be remembered as a Canadian.

Tom said...

"Hey, why do you have a tat of a cat juggling blue maple leaves?"
"Uh... well, it's for this Leafs goalie I used to like but isn't such a big deal any more."
"No, another one."
"No, another one."
"No, another one."
"No, another one."
"Oh for fuck's sake it was Felix Potvin."
"I thought he played for the Kings?"
"No, that was after he played for Vancouver."
"He went from Toronto to Vancouver?"
"No, he went from Toronto to the Islanders. Then the Canucks, then the Kings."
"Wow, so he ended up playing for 4 teams."
"Five actually, he went to Boston after LA."
*awkward silence*
"Um... sweet tat."

Addicted To Ink said...

One is I'm an owner of one of these tattoos and I guess the beauty of it is all in the eye of the beholder. Second I think both the Lightning and Flames tattoos are really nice and depicts both team logo and colors.

Vance said...

a) I'm glad you're taking it all in jest. We really mean no harm.
b) The Lightning tatt gets an inclusion in the gallery due to Florida's unique resemblance to a hangin' Tom Johnson.
c) The Flames get an inclusion since it looks like they decided to get it immediately after crashin' on their hog.
d) Tom = Genius

justin said...

the milhouse tattoo is mine. ive got a bunch of simpsons tattoos. i never thought it was shitty. so i dunno what to say to you. go flyers.

thegrimpond said...

Just gonna keep us in the dark huh, addicted to ink. Not gonna lay claim to which tattoo, specifically, is yours?

Vance said...

I posted this over at Puck Daddy, but it's worth it here, especially since we have Justin over here. But, your's is by far the best of the bunch, and rather than wallow in internet forum obscurity/oblivion, we put it out there.

What other Simpsons tatt's do you have? Tell me it's a Bart Mighty Pigs jersey...

justin said...

haha nah but thats the name of my roller hockey team. i cant find a link to our jerseys. ive got itchy and scratchy (

and the stonecutters logo.
prolly gettin more soon.

wrap around curl said...

Ok the Yoda on just confuses me.

I still think the Winnie the Pooh is the worst.

JohnnyWhiteguy said...

The Millhouse one is awesome. The Maple Leafs one is must have been drawn by one of his kids. And the Felix one (I'm assuming its for Felix Potvin) is just hilarious considering he's out of the league and was down on his way out. I have tons of tattoos and some of these are just piss poor!

Scotty Hockey said...

What exactly is wrong with the NYR sleeve with the tribute to the WTC?? The guy is a regular poster at hfboards and we pretty much unanimously raved about the work ...

JDG said...

Oh, boy. This is tough. Worst is probably the "Broadstreet Bullies" Flyers one because it looks like it was drawn by a 6th grader or Napoleon Dynamite.

Runner up is the goofy-looking Messier. It cracks me up.

The Milhouse one is cool. It doesn't deserve to be here with these mistakes.

Vance said...

@ Scotty,

You can probably lump this one into the same boat as the Milhouse tat, it's not bad per se, but I thought it would be worthwhile to post, because it definitely should be seen.

Apparently I need to put together a best of the best hockey tattoo gallery.

Enkidu said...

If only there was this much participation for the Dialogue It posts haha.

The lightning & 2nd Calgary tats look pretty bad.

jamestobrien said...

My general rule is: "tattoos are personality replacements." Doesn't mean it applies to everyone, mainly to those of you who have barbed wire tattoos.

The NYR reminds me of the guy who does the KMFDM cover art. I think it deserves to be on there for one reason only: HUGE tattoos can end up being really bad life decisions.

Addicted to Ink said...

For thegrimpond-I am the owner of the Mark Messier next to Jeremy Roenick. It is the photo from his book Messier and that photo is called the look. Got it when he retired. I did not grew up in the time of Orr or Hull but I did grew up watching Messier and he represents everything about hockey to me. I also have 3 other hockey tattoos. A Stanley Cup, NY Rangers logo and a Tampa Bay Lightning logo and non of my others are in this collection.

Vance said...

Enkidu, you know, I was thinkin' the same damn thing.

Vance said...

Addicted...How come the dual allegiances? A New York born Florida transplant?

Addicted to Ink said...

You hit the nail on the head Vance. Life long Rangers fan moved to Florida in 95 and jumped on the Lightning wagon in 04. Enjoyed the ride so much became a full season ticket holder and still remain.

Colin said...

Whats with the tiger at the top?

Vance said...

Believe it or not...that's supposed to be a Boston Bruins 3rd logo (from back in the day I suppose). It's just terrible.

Spec7ral said...

Personality replacements. Fucking gold.

TAGilbertson said...

the Gretzky one is by far the ugliest - I think I'd suggest amputation...

Jack Tse said...

i think the NYR twin towers one is ok. it's professional. which is cool if you're a rangers fan

digitahighlander said...

Tom... that was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I actually think that these tattoos are awesome. They each mean something to those who got them. I mean cmon you may not like the winnie the pooh islander or the felix the cat/Potvin but they are unique and that makes these fans , true hockey fans. I think they are all cool:)

Jake Tueffel said...

I just realized the Messier tattoo only uses one set of of quotation marks.
It looks like it goes "Captain.
It's possible it goes "C"aptain and the light blocks out the second set I guess, but either way, it's grammatically incorrect. Which is always a great idea when it comes to permanent body decoration.

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tribal tattoos said...

Man those are some crazy tattoos, but I dont care how much you like a team thats nuts! At least get a decent looking team tattoo.

Great post!

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Mel said...

I actually sorta liked the whole 33 Patrick Roy thing. And then I realized two things: #1--why the fuck do you want that taking up your whole back? and #2-- The avs number style? I get that he won the cup there and all and it was formerly the Nordiques, his team growing up but really?

Joey said...

Just found this and HAD to laugh! I am the owner of the "cartoon Messier"(and 8 other NYR tats not posted). So lets start with I appreciate everyone's opinions and NO HARD FEELINGS...BUT... to set the record straight...First:Messier played for the Rangers starting 1991...he announced his retirement and his #11 was hung Jan.2006(which i was there for of course)so to ME,the dates are correct!.. Second:The Quote marks are not f'd up. there IS a glare and the quotation marks are around the "C"..FOR CAPTAIN..FOR "C" ON JERSEY's all good, you're all entitled to think and like whatcha want.... Kudos for all you LOYAL fans crazy enough to tat ourselves with team pride, LETS GO RANGERS

Joey said...

I just noticed you DO have another one of mine on here!!.. The lil boy shooting on net...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT ONE?????? And you labelled it "the worst ever"? SERIOUSLY DUDE? I wasnt mad before..but now i think you're just an asshole! I would LOVE to see YOUR tattoos and let ME be the judge! dickhead

Anonymous said...

The messier tattoo is horrable. Just horrable.

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Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.