Tuesday, March 17, 2009

5 Things I Hate About You: Toronto Maple Leafs

I'm sitting here, marveling at the fact that for whatever reason, yesterday was a record setting day in terms of traffic for the site. Obviously, for you established "bloggers" a couple thousand people visiting is old hat, but for us, it's pretty cool.

But after we were done patting ourselves on the back, we had to get back to thinking of things to write about. After all, no one cares about Atlanta winning 6 in a row or Nashville finally scoring more than 2 goals. So here we are, with another rendition of 5 Things I hate About You. We've previously covered Washington and Vancouver, but now we get to one of the Original Six; the Toronto Maple Leafs.


5. Golf! Leafs! Golf!


I think Andrew Peters, who in his sole worthwhile action on the ice ever, fantastically got his point across, and mine. After years and years of May golfing, make that 5 years in a row now (32 or so years of June golf!), these guys must have the lowest handicap outside of Mike Weir. Hell, CuJo might be better than Weir (but we all know Jamal Mayers is no Tiger Woods).

4. The Sweater



Personally I like the clean lines and classic colors that make up the Leafs jersey. But there are those who want to see it drug through the mud and sunk in the bottom of a harbor. Their choice, not mine.

3. The Leaf Blower


Yes, this was 100% an excuse to get the Leaf Blower a lil more face time. Haha, what a man...I think. Yeah, he's propositioning you for face time with his big black dildo. You know, it's things like big black dildos and goat humping that our website will never be taken seriously. Oh well.

2. Tie Domi


Tie Domi apparently made a career of getting his ass handed to him by Rob Ray. I have that fight card at 6 wins Ray, 3 wins Domi, 4 draws. Either way, this guy is universally hated, as a player, person, broadcaster, name it. His parents don't even love him, he was adopted. That's not true, the adoption part I mean, his parents really don't love him though.

1. The Fans

Now I'm just sittin' around thinking, what about the Leafs is so reviling that most of 29 other franchises all despise them? It has to be the fans. It just seems to obvious now. These arrogant bastards get to wear Canada's maple leaf on their chest and they are overwhelmed by a false sense of self entitlement.

In Buffalo they all take the 90 minute drive down the QEW and act like they own the joint. You can always be sure to find some Leaf's fan disrespecting themselves in some way. But it really is funny, they have such a high sense of themselves, but to the hundreds of hockey fans out there, they are completely and utterly irrelevant. Even Nashville fans laugh at you.

It's this inferiority complex, perhaps even a shade Napoleonic, that makes you who you are Toronto fan. Never change. Who will we mock if you do?

Honorable Mentions: Associating with Brian Burke, Tiger Williams, Darcy Tucker, Mike Gartner's earring, Wendel Clark's life partner, Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd., 13 Stanley Cups predating Vietnam

4 comments:

Spec7ral said...

Fuck, I work a stone's throw from Bonnie Lee Charters. I would have wiped my asshole with that jersey if I saw it making the rounds. Then I probably would have got a blue rash or blue balls or something.

Wendal Clark's life-partner...too good.

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Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.