Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Casting the Slap Shot Movie

We've seen it, we're all moderately upset they would even contemplate doing it, but dammit, if it's gonna happen, it's happening on our terms.

Yes, Slap Shot, the most iconic hockey movie ever (um, outside of Happy Gilmour, Miracle, or Mystery, Alaska, is there another entry in that contest?), is being rewritten by the guy who wrote '21' and filmed by the director of...gulp...Galaxy Quest.

Like I said, if this is going to happen, us hockey fans should have a say in the casting. Here's who BanginPanger wants to see in the remake.

Reggie Dunlop
By far determining who would replace the ever iconic salad dressing kingpin as legendary minor league player/coach Reggie Dunlop proved most difficult. He was at such an age that he looked worn, but still young enough to pull off the hockey part. Not to mention his acerbic wit and casual demeanor. Who'd we come up with? Yeah, Billy Bob Thorton.

Also considered: Steve Martin, Emilio Estevez (joke), Charlie Sheen

Ned Braden
Oh this snarky little intellectual twit. Rather than foil it up with the rest of the team, Ned would rather be benched. The most technically gifted hockey player and smart ass, oh yes, Paul Rudd. It should be so obvious.
Also considered: Joshua Jackson, Adam Banks

Dave "Killer" Carlson
At one time he was just a soft spoken young kid, that is, until the Hanson Brothers arrived, then he joined in on the show. Awkwardly juvenile and awkwardly...awkward, Kirk Cameron pulls this one off. Yeah, we're bringing back Kirk Cameron.

Also considered: Michael Cera, Zach Braff, Elijah Wood, Cory Matthews

Hanson Brothers
Everyone knows who these guys are, no introduction needed. Who would we tap for it? A real hockey player: Danny Carcillo. Honestly, I photo-shopped him into the picture below, three times, he looks that much like them. Seriously? Don't believe me? Whatever.

Also considered: NONE

Joe McGrath
The stingy GM of the Chiefs, he gets the Bill Murray cameo. But Bill Murray in Caddyshack, not Bill Murray in Life Aquatic. Jesus.
Also considered: Alec Baldwin, William Shatner, Tim Robbins

Francine Dunlop
Hmmmm, kind of old, but still kind of oddly hot and skanky? Lisa Rinna. She's the old broad that Drama wants to get with in the hot tub, but ends up getting a rim job from the fat friend (Entourage reference).
Also considered: Random Hookers

Lilly Braden
She gets the Elizabeth Banks treatment.
Also considered: Random hookers

Denis Lemieux
The uber-hairy French goaltender: Zach Galifinakis
Also considered: Seth Rogen, Steve Carrell, Will Ferrell

Dickie Dunn
The Charlestown reporter who is duped by Reggie into believing the team is being sold and moved to Florida. Yeah, we like Alec Baldwin in this role.

Jim Carr
Oh the balding, yet lively Chiefs announcer. Yeah, Jack Black makes his cameo.

Johnny Upton
The Chiefs captain, yeah, we'll go with Jay Mohr for some more snarky commentary.

Jean-Guy Drouin
Yeah he doesn't say a word of English the entire film, let's resuscitate another career. Pauly Shore gets the nod.

Morris Wanchuk
This hilariously perveted role player gets a cameo treatment too, Matthew Barnaby. Steve Buscemi could work here as well.

The Sparkle Twins
Take your pick of the random hookers who didn't get the other female parts.

Dr. Hook McCracken
Reggie's mortal nemises, and a legitimately scary lookin dude. Find the scariest hobo walking around LA and slap some skates on him.

Ogie Ogilthorpe

Some raging lunatic? Okay, Bam Magera.

Tommy Hanrahan
Wasn't his wife a dyke? We'll go with David Cassidy, cause now that's a joke. For his wife? Eh, Carrie Fisher would be funny.

Now obviously this isn't really serious, especially towards the bottom. We did just compile the first $500 million hockey movie of all time though, and that's pretty cool. But seriously, we really don't wanna see this happen, but it did give a good hours worth of wasting time at work, which is also, pretty cool.

What do you think? Who replaces Paul Newman?
Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.