Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Hope everyone enjoys the New Years, and remember Darren Pang doesn't drink n drive, neither should you.
PS Gagne won the MVP poll apparently, then gets hurt. PWND
Labels: Gagne is a fairy princess
Monday, December 29, 2008
Does this make me misogynistic? Eh, maybe. Do you even know what that word is? But I'm at work, bored, just waiting to get out to LA. Won't make it to a Kings game though, or Ducks, but really, who wants to see the Kings play?
That might make me misogynistic. Remember, you can't fight the Axis if you have VD!
-----------Some News--------------Or Something-------------Piss Off------------
News floating around right now about Cherepanov (the Rangers' Russian prospect who died suddenly on the ice a few weeks ago) had been doping. Essentially he was increasing his Red Blood Cell count to increase his endurance and/or stamina. I would've just taken Viagara, but you know, whatever. I think may be a situation that warrants a "too soon, too soon" So I'll let Denson be the dickhole and make fun of him.
Tonight the Rangers / Islanders are on Versus, whoopdie-friggin-do.
TO THE WIKIPEDIA! ...and other places. Well I think we have a winner.
1974-1975 Washington Capitals.
Ladies and gentlemen, they went an astounding 8-67-5, for a meager 21 points. 8 wins, 67 losses, 5 ties. 8 wins...8. .131 winning %. They lost 39 of 40 road games. Lost 17 games in a row. They went through 3 coaches. 181 goals for. 446 goals against. Good Lord. That is embarrassing. Expansion was a bad idea.
Some other notable pathetic displays of hockey.
1992-1993 San Jose Sharks 11-71-2
1992-1993 Ottawa Senators 10-70-4
1989-1990 Quebec Nordiques 12-61-7
1985-1986 Detroit Red Wings 17-57-6
1983-1984 Pittsburgh Penguins 16-58-6
1983-1984 New Jersey Devils 17-56-7
1980-1981 Winnipeg Jets 9-57-14
1972-1973 New York Islanders 12-60-6
1953-1954 Chicago Black Hawks 12-51-7
1943-1944 New York Rangers 6-39-5
I love trainwrecks. We think right now that Tampa and Atlanta are terrible, imagine if we were watching some of these teams. Good God. I didn't even have to be mean about this, these stats are funny enough.
Labels: Worst NHL Team EVER
5. Czech Republic
6. United States
Obviously, anyone from these countries need not worry about the qualifying games, but what about the others competing for the final 3 spots? Three more teams will qualify in February out of these three groups:
Group E – Host: Hanover, Germany
Germany, Slovenia, Austria & Japan
Group F – Host: Riga, Latvia
Latvia, Italy, Ukraine, Hungary
Group G – Host: Oslo, Norway
Norway, Denmark, France, Kazakhstan
A little side note: When I saw that Kazakhstan was competing, all I could picture was a team of Borat's playing hockey wearing jersey's with anti-semetic logos on them.
Anywho, a league source was asked the NHL’s position on having players participate in the qualifying games. He said:
“As a general matter, we wouldn't endorse players under NHL contract missing NHL games to play in Olympic qualifying tournaments. I would say generally up to the discretion of the Club, but I wouldn't want to see established NHL players playing overseas when their NHL teams are playing here. And I'm quite sure the NHL Clubs wouldn't allow them to. It comes down to development decisions.”
I think it'd be different if this guy was actually good enough to represent his country, in the Olympics. Although, he's probably American, so exactly how good do you really need to be...?
Most players that would head overseas to play would miss no more than 2 regular season games. Obviously, if they happened to play for the red wings, sharks, or any team guaranteed entry into the playoffs, those 2 games they'd miss wouldn't be too important. Even if they were on the other end of the spectrum playing for the islanders, or lighting, whose chances of making playoffs are worse than the chances of Andy Reid ever fitting into a bikini, even missing 2 games for them wouldn't pose to be too much of a problem.
Representing your country in the Olympics is quite the honor, and no one should get in the way of that, contract or not. I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on the subject. Feel free to share...
In the Christmas spirit we didn't do a GOTW last week (or is it cause I forgot? hmmm) but now that I'm back in my office, and dying of work, I'm doin it now.
Matt Stajan + eye injury with a soccer ball = Goat of the Week.
Really? I mean, there is a precedent for soccer being played in the hallways of NHL arenas, see Afinogenov, Maxim playoffs in 2006 (at least it was one of those years the Sabres were really good, he cracked his head off the floor and was a scratch). Those damn europeans have been doin it for years. Effing Pavel Bure starts all kinds of shit.
But here we have an egregious display of idiocy by the Leafs leading scorer. He's got what doctors call hyphema, hockey teams call it an upper body injury, we call it a black eye.
Some 4th liner said this.
"We were in a small room, so maybe the guys thought there would be a pinball effect, if [the ball] was kicked off a bench it might stay in air a bit longer," Mitchell said. "It got a little bit out of hand and it's unfortunate."
Idiots. I've been in the Kettler Ice Complex down here in Washington where the "accident" happened. That place is tiny. It's a couple rinks, a Caps store, all the basic local hockey rink stuff, except this one is 5 stories in the air on top of a mall. I'd rather warm up with $2.00 worth of Area 51 (that shit is classic) than gettin my eye knocked out by Alex Ponikarovsky.
I hope I can find a picture of Stajan's gross looking eye, if I can't, well then I'm just gonna photoshop it for effect (while humping a goat). Matt Stajan = Goat of the Week.
[Yeah, I know this is a weak one, but who nothing has gone wrong yet, plus I gotta write something]
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tomorrow we go back to our regularly scheduled mockery of all things hockey, well, for a day, until we leave for LA to attend the Rose Bowl.
What a terrible website we run.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The battle of the ballot stuffers begins tonight with the Pens hosting those cheating sons of bitches from Montreal. I guess we cheat too though considering Fleury is leading the votes for goaltenders for All-Star game. What a mistake giving fans the ability to choose. Oh well. He needs to start just one more game to become eligible for the All-Star Game. (20 needed).
Pens haven't won back-to-back games since Nov 13 -15. It will be interesting to see if they can get their legs under them early. The home crowd should help...some...but then again, they were booed out of the arena last home game when they got shit on by Toronto. Here are the lines tonight:
Carey Price sucks dick. Montreal is gay. and so is Gay Carbonneau. Does Kovalev even play still?
Kovalev? Kovalev? Anyone? Anyone? Kovalev?
Lets Go Pens.
Varlamov got called back up to the Caps, the other goalie Darren Machesney is playing in the Spengler Cup (whatever that is) so a bunch of ECHL goalies are in net for the bears, that ought to be interesting.
Ovechkins goal last night just absolutely posterized Hank Tallinder...Toni Lydman, who's surprisingly been the Sabres best D-man made the right play dropping off and switching with Hank, only to see him feebly stick check Ovechkin. That dude just plays hard.
Fleury must've had a nice game last night.
Tonight the Sabres play the Islanders, please God just effing win. Vanek should be playing last night, after he laid down in front of an Ovechkin bomb from the point, he hobbled, aka barely could skate off, but did come back to score his 25th. Tim Kennedy, another young rookie from the AHL has been called up to join the team, who's sitting? It just may be Jochen Hecht.
Friday, December 26, 2008
If you haven't seen this goal, it's pretty nasty. Naturally of course, it is Steven Stam...John Tavares. The NHL Network is carrying these games, including the Canadians/Czech and Team USA exhibitions.
Now will Tavares be the next Patrick Kane or Steven Stamkos? Will be interesting.
Didn't work? Oh, well since you love Crosby so much, I bet you have a big black dildo just like the one he uses. Why don't you lock yourself in your bedroom and use it while watching a replay of your team getting shutout by the worst team in the NHL.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
But what we do have are two big games for the Pens (Devils), Sabres (Caps), Caps (Sabres), and a interconference treat of Philly and the Blackhawks. Should be a post Christmas treat.
But since I don't really have much to talk about, here's a little something for all you that doesn't involve disappointed black children, 70s toothless wonders, and a fat blowhard (love yah Rick); tits and ass. Sorry girls.
We can take solace in the fact that Mike Ribeiro isn't hittin that, he's a fruit with a penchant for dangling berries on his chin. Denson wouldn't be interested either, they all look taller than 4'5"
Labels: Welcome Back Kotter
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
This game was tighter than your first gfs vagina. No one was given an inch to move on the ice, and shots were hard to come by...at least for the Pens. I've about had it with this 1, 2, 3, 4, even 5 passes sometimes before someone fires the damn puck at the net. But I digress. This game wasn't about being out shot again...it was about missed opportunities, and boy did they change the game.
- You had Crosby one touch a pass to Sykora who fired the puck wide of the net...9 times outa 10, that's a goal.
- You had Malkin pass up a chance to shoot to make a nice drop pass to Crosby who missed the net. Again, Crosby doesn't miss that chance that often.
- Then the two that really hurt. Sykora had a breakaway, leg kick, fake shot...backhand...goalllooooover the net wide. F! Then Tampa turns the puck up the net in a quick transition in it's behind Fleury faster than Mike Comrie nuts on Hilary Duff.
- Then midway through the 3rd, Malkin had a chance to tie the game up with another breakaway, makes a deke to the backhand, Smith doesn't buy it, save...oh wait Tampa is still playing you douches...transition, pass , goal. 2-0 Tampa.
If Malkin would have scored there, there's no doubt the Pens would have won, cause they would have been so fired up after Smith pulled some bush league bullshit on Malkin by swinging his stick at his face. Uhh...not not a penalty how?
- After it was 2-0, the game was over. Tocchet had his boys play our beloved trap...which the Pens for whatever reason never know how to break. I don't think 5 Tampa players left the neutral zone for the last 10 min of the 3rd.
- Not a good game to lose when you have Jersey, Montreal, and a Home&Away against Boston. If they lost 3 of 4 there, look for Shero to start making some moves.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
"Bangin Panger is what you want to say about hockey, but don't know where or how. We do it. We're all biased fans of our respective teams, we're fans just like you are, except anonymously on the internet we make fun of them.
We don't do analysis (well sometimes), we don't do rumors (unless we make them up), and we don't do news. F news. What we do is immature, crude, homophobic photoshops of NHL teams and players, post videos of highlights, lowlights, fights, or anything we think is funny.
It is what it is, and it is funny."
We make fun of players here, and its easier to make fun of players we hate AKA Crosby and Ovetchkin. I'm one of the few non-biased hockey fans out there. I love the flyers, but if they deserve to be made fun of, then I will. I think Briere is just as much a bitch as Crosby, but Briere is small and fits in the palm of your hand. Hartnell is a jackass, and I'd like to grab him by his Jew-fro looking ginger hair and drag his face accross the pavement. Theres plenty of douches out there to pick on, but it's easier to pick on the players in the spotlight. (and I think Crosby looks good w/ a black dildo in his hand) So don't get your panties in a bunch b/c we're making fun of the person you have wet dreams to at night, when the Pens rape the Flyers in the playoffs again, you can have the last laugh. And then I can say "Why not us?" Don't worry Denson, I still love your 1/2 black ass. Just remember, this is bangin panger, making fun is what we do...
It was called a goal on the ice, and just like football, there needs to be conclusive evidence. I don't know what the hell they look at in Toronto, if it's live video, still pictures, or what, but from the pictures I have seen, Crosby's blade is above the crossbar, but not the shaft, which is where the puck deflected off of and went into the net. That being said, I do not know the correct way to interpret the rule, I'm not a ref. Here's the rule...
So does that mean if I hold 3/4 of my stick above the crossbar and a shot deflects off my buttend that's below the crossbar and goes into the net it's a goal? I have no idea.
If it would have been called no goal on the ice, then it would have stuck as no goal. It was called a goal, and I just don't see conclusive evidence that you could overturn that UNLESS a goal is supposed to be disallowed from a high stick regardless of the portion of the stick the puck deflects off of. Who knows though.
But this conspiracy shit? Seriously? Or Gift calls because it's Crosby? The NHL is trying to work itself back into popularity and people are suggesting a Crosby Conspiracy? He's MARKETABLE. That's why they push him in our faces. Ovechkin maybe not AS much, but he didn't have the hype that Crosby did. Just get over this conspiracy shit though. It doesn't exist. All you haters out there would love him if he was on your team, but he's not, so you hate him. That's fine. I'm the same way with Ovechkin. Crosby whines, that's fine...Ovechkin takes runs at players. I understand that love-hate relationship. The conspiracy I don't because it's horseshit and if you dumbass hockey fans would think about that for a second, you'd realize there's no way the NHL could afford the controversy that would surround such a thing, and would send the NHL spiraling into a black hole from which they'd never emerge.
I'm hereby declaring, just like my Sabres predictions, that I will never write another post about Sidney Crosby again. Hopefully Kirky or Denson, or atleast some anonymous Flyer's fan who can't stand the little prick, will fill the void. This will be my final opinion on him and the NHL's love affair with the nugget.
On Sunday the NHL issued a press release stating the indeed Sidney Crosby had broken Jaromir Jagr's 8 year record of highest all-star votes of 1,020,736, with 2 weeks of voting left to register.
At first glance this reads, OMG CROSBY IS SOOOOOOOOOOO POPULAR! HOMECOMING QUEEN! But seriously, In 2000, how was the voting done? If I recall, by paper balloting in NHL arenas throughout the league. So at any given night about 18,000 votes were being cast.
Yet as we all know now, you can vote online as much as you want. Those of us with unlimited text plans can vote as much as we want, and imagine that, energized fan bases, especially Montreal and Pittsburgh, have literally blown away vote totals from prior years.
Why is the NHL pimping Crosby like he did something special? These people did.
Obviously he didn't do anything, he just plays the game. It's like how this summer the media was pimping The Dark Knight as the highest grossing movie ever, but now tickets are $12 a pop, how does that compare to the movies in the 80's that made as much money as TDK, but tickets only cost $3? This is the same concept. Apples to Oranges. This shouldn't even be an effing story, but here's the NHL pimping there grundel fisting poster boy once again.
There is one common denominator here though, Pens fans don't have enough to do with their time. Hopefully this will bring them back down to earth.
And don't even say you didn't enjoy it either. We all know you like to give as well as receive...
Monday, December 22, 2008
edit::I hate that stupid auto-play Versus video, effing pissing me off.
The stick's in at an upward angle, that's about as close as you can get. Toronto made the decision. Agree? Or just another example of bias?
Oh and here's something that really pisses me off. Pens fans naturally will call it a legitimate goal. But now they're trying to prove it...with MS Paint.
This here's from some Crosby apologist/cum dumpster at Pensblog. Her utter mastery of geometry and rationalism obviously places her amongst the students at Point Park University. This bitch needs to choke on fruitcake. Let's see the ref's angle!
Oh hey there ref. That's him in the corner, that's him in the spot...light, shitting in the corner. The one ducking away from Malkin's slapshot. The guy taking a dump in the corner, shitting a brick from Malkin's shot. Yeah, below eye level of Crosby's stick/tip, he's the one that made the call. Clutch.
Whatever, the call was made on the ice it was a goal, so Megan M. mustve quick drawn up that picture and said, "Hey Toronto War Room, I made this for you, and please run the train on my pale, white body." and they did. They did.
I know this is a hockey blog site so I should prob say something related to hockey, so:
What did that headline read? Did I just say that? Oh yes, yes I did. How could anyone say that about one of the all-time greats Marty Brodeur? Well granted that headline was a bit of an overstatement to get y'all to read on. But is he one of the top 5 greatest goaltenders of all time? I'm beginning to rethink that assessment with each big win Scott Clemmensen has in the Rock.
This 31 year old, drafted in the 8th round, 215th overall in 1997, has come of age, and skill, when Brodeur finally fell to injury for the 1st time in his illustrious 15 year career. Clemmensen is rocking a 11-3-1 record with a 2.30 GAA and .921 SV%, in 16 games. Weren't the Devils supposed to fall off the face of the earth once Brodeur got hurt, certainly they weren't supposed to get better.
Prior to this year, the most games Clemmensen ever played for the Devils was 13, he joined the team in 2001. He's only played 44 games in his whole career, (3 for the Leafs last year) and only 41 for the Devils. 6 seasons, 41 games, that includes the 16 starts this year.
The Devils always ride Brodeur, for years the Devils modus operandi (m.o. for the uneducated of the bunch, that's latin, asshole) has been to ride him all the way to the playoffs. Ride him hard. Since he took the reigns from Chris Terrerri (hahahahahaha) back in the mid-90's (after the other lockout) Brodeur has played no less than 67 games. 15 years of playing over 80% of your team's games is unheard of, no wonder no one ever heard of Scott Clemmensen.
But now we have a Devils team succeeding with a goalie other than Marty Brodeur. Same team, same system, same superb goaltending...or is it same superb goaltending stats? The Devils, particularly former coach Jacques Lemaire and CEO, President, GM, and sometimes but not current coach Lou Lamoriello , have been known for popularizing the bane of hockey: the neutral zone trap. I don't have to explain that system to any of you, we all know it, and we all know it was the cause of the clutch-and-grab play of the 90's, where coincidentally, Marty Brodeur put up his finest numbers. You can see where I'm going with this. Just look at Brodeur pre then post lockout, his GAA jumped .5.
Brodeur has played in a defensive system, with defensive-minded players, during a time where hooking and holding were common place. Currently they have former Selke winner, John Madden, and other defense-first forwards like Bobby Holik, Dainius Zubrus, and Jay Pandolfo littering the roster, with a defensive corps which does nothing flashy, but hardly a thing wrong. Let's go back through the ages, Scott Stevens, Ken Daneyko, Jason Arnott, Claude Lemieux, Scott Niedermayer, Brian Rafalski, Brian Rolston, Dave Andreychuk, Lyle Odelein, Doug Gilmour, I can go on. Some of the most respected blueliners and defensive forwards over the past decade have all come from, or played for, New Jersey during Brodeur's run.
If Clemmensen continues to put up numbers equal to Brodeur's, then what can we make of this? Is Brodeur somehow not what he's been made out to be? I don't think so, I think he's a phenomenal talent who's benefited from a system, but it does beg to ask the question, is Marty Brodeur overrated?
I'll try to keep shit up to date but we'll see how it goes. I'm gettin anally raped by my boss from 3 states away so hopefully sometime this afternoon I'll get something up. Denson is still throwing up after the Steelers and Pens both lost on the same weekend. Kirky? Who the eff knows what the hell he is doing, prolly out partying at HACC (Harrisburgh Area Community College, that's how he rolls, dumb chicks are easy).
Anyway checkin out. By the way, anyone wanna do a chat/blog for the Sabres Pens tonight? I could set that shit up.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
So last night, the only three players that showed up were Malkin, Matt Cooke, and Sykora. Cooke was hitting everything and anything, and it was fn awesome since I was 3 rows from the glass, right behind that dumbass crazy penguin lady. Can't say enough about Cooke's effort last night though. Proved once again why he's way better than douchenozzle Ruutu.
Now Malkin. The man is a MANIAC, and had an awesome game going for him last night...until...oops. Yah, what Malkin did is something all hockey players learn before they're even allowed to put on skates. DO NOT PASS, SKATE, or fn DANGLE with puck in front of your net. Stupid play which resulted directly in a Toronto goal. I wanted to vomit. I watched it all happened. The guy in front of me jumped into the glass and knocked the camera man sideways out of anger. Hilarious.
Malkin made a second bone-head move in the 3rd trying a one-touch breakout pass that again was turned into a goal, but a that point the Pens were taking their chances.
-To Malkins defense, no one else showed up and he was trying to carry the team on his back and make things happen. I was ashamed of the way the faggoty ass Steeler jersey wearing bandwagon Pens fans booed him. Yes he had some awful plays, but man, Malkin is going to get run out of Pittsburgh just like Jagr.
-I'm not sure Crosby even played.
-The refs were terrible last night. I can't even express my anger.
-Therrian is a f-nugget. Pulling Fleury was an awful idea. Fleury let in ONE bad goal. The rest were turnovers in the slot, and 2 with good screens. His second game back and he's pulled, great for his confidence I'm sure. And don't argue that a change in goalie was trying to "change things up". I don't buy that shit. It was 5-1.
- Goddard being sent out to fight was retarded. He just tried to fight anything that moved, and then just dropped his gloves, got a roughing penalty, and next thing you know it's 4-1. Again, stupid ass coaching.
The Eastern Conference is a cluster F*** right now. Just gotta keep pace.
Dear Ryan Whitney, <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxo please come back, heart..Denson.
It was over pretty quick. The Leafs pretty well jumped all over the Penguins early and often. Godard was taking r-tard penalties, and Malkin's turnover is about as big a dipshit play as I've ever seen. Didn't see most of the game, but the question is, is Fleury ready to be back into big games?
Philadelphia / Washington
I didn't watch any of this game, spent all god damned day at the DMV. Looks like Nitty had a pretty good game and Carter continued his good play, and that asshat Hartnell had the trick. Silver lining for the Caps? Brashear just beat the hell out of Cote. Ovechkin had 12 shots on goal, thats ridiculous. The Caps should've kept up Varlamov and sent down Theodore, that guys garbage.
This game I watched. 10 PPs for Montreal, 4 for Buffalo. 2 OT PPs for Montreal. Joke.
"For all the times you miss something, I had a pretty good view of this one," Jackson said. "I was in my hometown and Montreal scored in overtime, but you're paid to do a job, so I did my job..."Nice ref, nice. The game was back and forth the whole time and was really intense, just hate to see the ref decide a game. Sour grapes? Maybe, but at least I can admit that.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
But now this morning, thanks to Puck Daddy, it turns out that Teemu Selanne knicked his own leg, looks like right above his knee, with his skate blade while awkwardly falling to the ice. Teemu's always been a pretty sick player, posting 76 goals his rookie season (tied for the league lead with Alex Mogilny), but this would be a terrible way to end a season, let alone possibly a career.
Here's the video, don't worry gals, no blood.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Comin in the back door. What a bitch. Whatever Boris Valabik did to deserve a back door goosing/sac tap must've been absolutely heinous. Either that, or Crosby's just an utter butthole. But you gotta admit, a dickpunch is funny no matter who it is.
But...anyone feel like defending him on this one?
Labels: Sidney Crosby
This week was a landmark diaster for this anonymous assbag. With the imminent signing of one Mats Sundin, Eklund was in rare form. Throwing out E3's, E4's, dominoes (you'll understand if you read the site) , etc. only for that to come alllllllllll crashing down when Sundin signed with Vancouver, while Eklund was touting, heavily, that Mats was destined for the Rangers. But Ek was so sure of himself! Well, sometimes going out on a limb gets you the Goat of the Week.
Let's just look at the past week's headlines from Hockeybuzz, a timeline if you will.
Multiple Sources saying "Mats is Broadway Bound"..not yet confirmed
Monday, December 15, 2008 11:04 PM
Sundin Decision Coming Today?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 4:16 PM
Start Spreading the News....(e4) ALMOST (e5)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:36 AM
The Latest....call the Hockeybuzzcast at 6pm ET
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 3:35 PM
Limbo? No Not Really... Talkcast at 4:15
Thursday, December 18, 2008 11:20 AM
CANUCKS SIGN MATS SUNDIN OFFICIALLY! WOW!!!! DOMINOES???
Thursday, December 18, 2008 6:11 PM
From Monday to Thursday, he went from completely sure of himself to absolutely wrong. Even the very day Sundin signs with the Canucks, Eklund was still saying that it was the Rangers. Asshole. I mean, if you been reading that site for as long as some of us here at the Bangin Panger have, you'd know that the is just the tip of the iceberg. In hockey circles he's a joke, outside of hockey circles he's a joke. [I would make fun of his dog and their stupid videos, but his dog is currently at the vet, and they think he has cancer, and dog's and cancer is not a joking matter.]
Anyways, Ek, for your shoddy reporting, anonyminity, and just plain being wrong, you join Mr. Avery, Mr. Stamkos, Mr. Sakic, and Ryan O'Byrne as a Bangin Panger Goat of the Week. I guess being anonymous doesn't really allow me to get a picture of him effin a goat. hmmm.
Want to be Successful? Mouthbreathen. a stupid person; a moron, dolt, imbecile
Evgeni Malkin, Michael Phelps, P.Diddy, Eli Manning. What do all of these people have in commong? They are all mouth breathers. I know some of you are asking yourself, could I possibly be a mouth breather? Well, let's see. Webster's Dictionary defines a "mouth-breather" as:
1. literally, someone who lacks enough intelligence that they never learned to breathe through their nose.
2. a really dumb person
3. anyone who you see with their mouth hanging wide open, like a booger has clogged their nasal orifice. They simply look retarded, do every menial task with their mouth open, without a single care in the world.
4. Derogatory. Special species of fanboy dork who breathes solely through his mouth. When not collecting funny books, watching cartoons, playing RPGs, MMORPGS, JRPGs, BGRPGs, CRPGs, or other video games, they are stalking members of the opposite sex, or getting beaten up, sexually molested, or molesting themselves.
If you fit into one of these definitions, then that really sucks for you...or does it? Mouth breathers are some of the most successful people today. Take a look around. P. Diddy, er, Puff Daddy, uh, Diddy, or whatever the hell he goes by nowadays, one of the most successful douchebag mouthbreathers out there.
Or say, Michael Phelps, arguably the most famous and most successful mouthbreather this world has ever seen. This 8 gold medal winning Olympian was the talk of the town this Summer, but also a raging douchebag. I mean, look at that stupid mouthbreathing face.
Again, how bout the quarterback of the defending Super Bowl Champions, Eli Manning. He may look like he has no idea what the hell is going on around him (due to the mouthbreathing), but dammit, that guy is a FREAKING WORLD CHAMPION.
And who could forget about the inspiration of this post, the incomparable Evgeni Malkin. This guy is tearing through the NHL right now. He leads the NHL in points. He had another 4 point night last night against the powerhouse Atlanta Thrashers (for all you ass clowns that voted for Vanek for MVP, it would take him a little over 4 games to get that many points--less than a point per game getting MVP considerations? Get Real.) [Editors Note:: Malkin has had 3 other 4 point nights, Isles, Thrashers, Sabres, & Leafs.] This mouthbreather is a beast.
My point is simple, there is a direct correlation between mouthbreathing and being a succesful douchebag, which is why the mouth breathing species is hated so very much. Just ask this guy what he thinks about mouthbreathers. It's simple science. So what if the economy's in shambles, your 401(k) just dropped 50%, or if you're being laid off in corporate downsizing? Just start breathing out your mouth and everything will be a-ok.
Editors Note: Scott follows his own advice.
The Pens played the lowly Thrashers, legitimate MVP candidate Shrek had 4 points, 2 goals, 2 assists, while Fleury came back from Vaginitis and made 28 saves on a bunch of nobodies. Crosby had 2 assists, but was a -1 on the game. Interestingly enough, he logged a minute less of ice time than even Jordan Staal did. 4 minutes less than Malkin. If anyone can find a video of Crosby punching that guy on the ice, I need to see it, I hear it's hilarious.
Flyers went up to Montreal and faced their backup goalie, Halak, and got smoked early. A 3-0 deficit in the 1st isn't conducive to winning Antero. Anyways, that Russian Queen Kovalev met some milestone, but no one outside Quebec gave a damn. Apparent MVP candidate Simon Gagne put up bricks across the board except for that -1, same with Carter and Richards. Atleast Arron Asham was there to pick up the offensive slack!
Sabres were off partying at Temple.
Washington hosted the Blues, who are about as terrible as it gets right now. It's gotta be Lightning, Atlanta, St. Louis as the worst teams out there. At least St. Louis has injuries as an excuse. Semin got hurt again, after he was on the ground he got cross-checked in the back, pretty much the exact spot of his prior injury. Looked like it hurt like a mother. Uhhhhh, MVP candidate Alex Ovechkin scored another goal. Hershey Bears goalie Simeon Varlamov got the start at home and won in his home debut. Tomas Fleshlight also scored for the Caps, he's pretty fun to watch. Kudos out to my boy, random fat black scalper man, who went and found us some tickets after the game sold out on Ovechkin bobblehead night. Oh yeah, I've got an Ovechkin bobblehead, missing tooth and all.
One more I guess, Detroit thumped San Jose. Sweet.
Goat of the Week coming up, should be an easy guess for astute hockey fans.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Well this past year the championship was played between the Kitchener Rangers and Spokane Chiefs. Spokane took home the trophy...
...and promptly destroyed the thing. Chris Bruton, whoever the hell that is, managed to drop the trophy. Hilarious.
Anyways, plenty of games on tap tonight. Washington hosts the Blues (I'll be there), Philly visits Montreal, and the Pens travel to Atlanta (good game to ease Fleury back into action). Best game tonight though by far is the first match up of Western Conference heavyweights: San Jose and Detroit.
...This video cause I feel like it.
Labels: Memorial Cup
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Movin' on though, Kirky laid into Ovechkin, so I guess as the fill-in, impromptu Capitals representative, I'm going to take this time and make sure we all know just how queer the Flyers are. I know after a hard nights work on the ice, just where I'd want to go is Old City to pound some Natty Lites with some douchebag asshats at a Temple "date" party. If by date party they mean roofie fest then yeah, that sounds right. Guess that's why Mike Richards and Jeff Carter were there, so were Upshall and the cockface that is Antero Niittymakki.
Yo broski, what'd the frat boys think?
So they came up, essentially they just chilled near the bar, kept getting all the free drinks, well drinks we paid for, which is great we paid for the Flyers to get trashed at our date party.Even THE FRAT BOYS think you're effing mooches. They think they're the bee's knees, yeah, the bee's knees. I think they deserve to be shit on. Temple? TEMPLE? At least pick a decent school to crash, the only thing cool about Temple, wait no, nothing. Good God.
Let's look at some pics LOLZ.
Dude, you're Mike Richards, the poon you could score could be legendary. Even Hank Baskett can score a playmate, and these two heifers are the one you aim for? Those girls wouldn't look hot if they were sweating. HEYYYYYYYOOOOOO. Standards, Michael.
Haha I love this kid, stickin out his chest, with his sleeves rolled alllllllllll the way up, poppin a throbbin chubby hangin with his boys Upshall and Richards. What a dicktwizzler.
Oh as the night wore on, the effstick really started to hit his stride. Poundin Rum and diet Coke's, livin life, man, how I envy him. Ok I don't feel like commenting, it's pissing me off, here's a couple more in thumbnail form.
The balls in your court, Kirky. Just be glad Hartnell wasn't there.
Available only at Poni23.com, yes, that's right, the official NHL website of Alex Ponikarovsky, he of 80 career goals (averaging .47 points per game), has his own official NHL website. Marty Brodeur, Ryan Miller, Alex Ovechkin, Hank Zetterberg...and Alex Ponikarovsky. Boy does it deliver some fun.
For just $ 199.99 Canadian, you can get a...you know what I can't even describe how creepy it is. Let's let the product description tell you.
This unique collectable is a life size moulded sculpture of Poni's hand. The sculpture created by world-renowned artist Vlad Volosenko. The sculpture holds a Toronto Maple Leafs puck that has been hand sign by Poni.This effing douchenozzle literally had his hand sculpted and is vain enough to sell the damn thing.
Unbelievable? Hardly, considering Poni (how pissed would you be with that faggoty nickname) has his own NHL branded website. But get this, it get's better. Order before November 30th (SON OF A BITCH WE MISSED IT) we can join Alex at a private party! Again, I can't put this to words, I'll let poni23.com do it for me.
Anyone who orders a sculpture before November 30th can elect to pick up their sculpture at a private party to be held on December 3rd. Each person attending the party will be allowed to bring one guest. This is your chance to have Alexei sign your personalize your puck. As well you will have a photo taken with Alexei and receive a personalized 8x10.Oh Ef me, I could've met this prick. Oh no, there's even a disclaimer! They've only produced 2,323 of these gems! Oh now I really hate this guy, his number is 23. God, he really must be gettin off to this. Actually...
Take away that puck and his hand kinda looks like he's ready to rock little Poni in the bathroom, with the exhaust on, so his roommate can't hear him wailing away on himself. He is gettin off to this shit.
Alex, you're now being nominated for Goat of the Week. Bitch.
Labels: Alex Ovechkin
They sit in 8th, 2 points out of 7th, 3 out of 6th, 4 out of 5th. 3 point games have narrowed the gap between the upper echelon and the teams fighting for their playoff lives. They have to take advantage of the opportunities they present themselves. Tonight begins a stretch where they can make a jump.
The Sabres have 7 games before the beginning of the New Year. Devils, Kings, Habs, Penguins, Caps, Isles, Caps. Anything less than 4 wins out of those 7 games would be unacceptable. These opponents are either riddled with injury, recent struggles, or are plain not as talented as the Sabres, they need to take advantage.
The Devils, once one of the hotter teams in the league, have fallen off behind the lapsing goaltending of Clemmensen and the recently healthy Kevin Weekes. The Kings, albeit have been playing well, are still hamstrung with goaltending issues and lack of an identity. The next games, Montreal and Pittsburgh, present 4 point swings in the conference standings, and the Sabres need to play their best, regardless of both the Habs and Pens recent struggles. The pair of tilts with the Capitals are also very important, not so much in the playoff race, but rather we need to be able to take 4 points from an injury riddled team. The Islanders…are the Islanders.
I don’t expect to go 7-0 through the rest of December, but it is important looking ahead. January begins with tilts with the Bruins, Sens, Rangers, Red Wings, and Blackhawks. The Sabres need to fully take advantage of these next 7 games, or they once again could be on the outside looking in.
The tie breaking goal, with about 3:20 left in the 3rd period, was initiated by a terrible turnover by Kent Huskins (who? why is he playing next to Pronger?) which Nigel Dawes (his parents destined him to a life of Broadway and Mamma Mia! with that name) promptly picked off at the blue line. At this point Chris Pronger steps up, like a deer in the headlights, and flounders, Dawes skates directly by him, and flicks a little wrister through Jonas Hiller.
I just realized something...Nigel Dawes is black! Yikes. His parents were A-holes, no good in the hood...Moving on.
Empty net now, pressure in the Rangers goal. A clear is fired anonymously from Lundqvist's crease to a streaking Zherdev. Pronger won't catch him, so he hooks him down, teabags him, pushes his face on the ice, tries to stomp him (some of this may be exaggeration) and leaves him laying there. But since the net is empty and Zherdev was hauled down on a breakaway, that's a goal. Now granted there was so little time left the game was essentially over but man, Chris, tough one.
After your dirty play over these years, I don't feel bad watching you flail, as a matter of fact, I enjoy it. Here's to you, Chris. 27 minutes of ice time, 1 shot, no stats. Good for you Chris, good for you. I kind of wish you would've stayed with Edmonton, that way, instead of just losing 3-1 late, you could've been throttled 9-2 by the Blackhawks. Now that is a fun team to watch.
Um other notes, Blake had a pretty sweet shootout goal last night, albeit a little unoriginal, and technically illegal, or so I hear.
PSSSST...Jason Blake still looks like he has cancer.
Looks like the Sabres will get a tired Scott Clemmenson and Devils squad tonight. Sweet.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
In lieu of this article, I nominate the LA Kings to move north to San Francisco. It only makes sense.
For my Pittsburgh friends today, shortly before the Steelers play in Baltimore. I give you, the Pittsburgh Crows.
From this Past Week:::
Here's the first jersey concept for The Hershey Highway. Based out of the Harrisburg, PA market, which is coincidentally the 63rd largest market in America. In other words, small. But they lead the AHL in attendance and it could work, at least people have jobs there (unlike Detroit), just sayin.
Now I know you can be more inappropriate than that. Bitches. Notice the highway skidmarks, brown color scheme, and the bad ass nature of the design. Plus, its HOME WHITES.
I also know that you people (what do you mean, you people?) have all the time on your hands, do something sweet and hilarious.
Email any submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Do it. Do it.
Ok, here's the plan, we got a blank jersey template, rock it out. Do what you gotta do, Primary logo, secondary logo, jerseys, 3rds, do it up right. This should be funny. If you want to make a serious jersey, that's cool too, just we probably won't post it, unless it falls under the categories of Bad Ass, Innuendo, Vulgar, or just egregiously homosexual. Do it. Do it.
BLANK JERSEY TEMPLATE
Labels: Jersey Contest
He does not understand how I, an avid Penguins "fan-boy" as he would put it, could hate such an exciting and talented team. He does not understand why I cannot let the past be the past. Why I cannot just cheer for my new hometown team. F that shit.
My friend, my dear friend. Let me explain why I, and so many other Penguins fans would tell you the team they HATE the most is not the New Jersey Devils because they crushed our dream season in 2001, not the NY Islanders because they came back on us down 3 games to 0, hell it's not even those cross-state m f'ers Philly Flyers. It is my friend, without a doubt, the Washington Capitals.
From 1992 - 2001 the Pens made the playoffs every single year. They were sick wit it. Of those 10 years, the Pens faced the Craps 6 times...and ALL 6 times the Pens faced them in the first round of the playoffs...and 5 of those 6 series, the Pens won. Their only series loss to them being in 94', a season where a certain #66 did not play. Coincidence? I think not my friends, I think not.
Even though the Pens have handled the Craps quite easily in past years, Pens fans..REAL ONES...don't forget those epic playoff battles. It just makes sense to hate a team you see every single f'n year in the playoffs. You know you're going to beat them, but that hatred never dies...And I can assure you Capitals hatred in a Pens world is becoming even more and more prolific today.
So without further ado, I give you, the Top 10 Reasons Pens Fans Hate The Washington Capitals because I said so.
10. Former Craps coach Jim Shoenfield
Did anyone know he had a musical career? Hilarious. Go HERE and you can DL his songs. Hollllly shit.
9. The 2001 trade of Jaromir Jagr - Marked the beginning of the Dark Times. Even though everyone wanted him gone, we still sucked immediately after Jagr's departure. I blame the Craps.
8. Michal Pivonka's cross check to the FACE
7. Peter Bondra...a pure Penguin Killer
6. Adam Oates bitch ass.
5. Dale Hunter
4. Olaf Kolzig
Who's that #55 guy at the end of this video?
Here's the same fight, different view...
3. 93'-94' Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Lost series 4-2.
2. Chris Simon...nuff said. You all may remember him looking something like this...
#1 is #1 because currently, if you asked any random Pens fan why they hate the Caps, those two names would come out of their ignorant mouths. If you ask a real Pens fan to explain their hatred, you'll hear 10-2 a lot more. What can I say, we have bandwagon douchebag fans in Pittsburgh, but so does every city.
10 Years from now, I'm sure there will be plenty of highlights of the many Pens/Caps playoff series to come. Fights, scuffles, hits from behind, post game shit talking...The NHL and Gary Bettman are just waiting to creme all over themselves when that finally happens.
Why can't we all just get along?
Vote Love and Rainbow's ;)
VOTE OTHER FOR ME!
Currently, the record for attendance at a hockey game is held by the famous "Cold War" game featuring Michigan and Michigan State. Played back in 2001, 74,544 people packed into Spartan Stadium in East Lansing, Michigan, and watched the Spartans and Wolverines skate to a 3-3 tie. That game featured future NHL'ers Mike Cammalleri, Duncan Keith, Ryan Miller, and Mike Komisarek. Pretty good stuff for American college hockey, eh?
If the IIHF and European hockey fans were able to unseat that record there's only one thing us Americans can do; lobby for a bigger and better game. I nominate, naturally, Beaver Stadium in State College, PA, to host an outdoor game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Philadelphia Flyers. Each Saturday in the fall, thousands upon thousands of people descend upon this college town, making it the 3rd biggest city in the State. Add in 40,000 students, the majority from suburban Philly and Pittsburgh, Penn State's football stadium would be the penultimate outdoor venue for not only an Outdoor Classic between two bitter rivals, but blast the attendance record out of the water. Beaver Stadium holds 107,282 people, but the attendance record is 110,753 set in 2002. Imagine the possibility, over 110,000 hockey fans taking in a game. That is epic.
There have been articles written on the possibility, and the Governor has thrown his support behind just an occasion. Both the 'Guins and Flyers organizations have been aware of the talk.
"I've been up to Penn State for some football games," coach John Stevens told the Philadelphia Daily News. "The atmosphere up there is just unbelievable. It's a great town. It's halfway between Pittsburgh and here. It's an ideal situation. You'd get fans from both teams."
Former concussed Flyer, R.J. Umberger, who hails from suburban Pittsburgh, sees a great opportunity as well.
"Just imagine how intense and fun that would be in an outdoor game," he said. "To play at Penn State there, the fans from Pittsburgh and Philly, it would be insane, probably one of the best games in NHL history."
Naturally the NHL has said the issue has not been brought up with either organization, but I ask, why isn't this happening? If it does, I would definitely be there. Best game in NHL history? It has the makings of it.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Hopefully we all get see many many more of those infamous Power to the Penguins videos on FSN prior to games that drag on for what seem 10 minutes before we are treated to Steiggy and tons of wonderful Errey'isms. Man I love those videos. If anyone can find it, please send it my way...or post the link in a comment or something. I want it.
I really have no "insight", if you want to call it that, on this event. I don't really give two shits what it's called. Should have been Lemieux Center or as Pensblog would put it, "Buries It Center". I mean, he did save the damn franchise...twice. Who cares though, the facility is going to be bad ass.
Also, for those of you who have ever watched a Pens game on TV, you all know how lucky we are to be graced with the presence of the man, the myth, that is Bob Errey. My roommate filled me in on this blog that lists a ton of, if you will...Erreyisms. It's fn awesome. Check it out. Thanks Scott G.
A sample of what you're in for:
Steiggy: "What was better: Mystery, Alaska or Sudden Death?"
Errey: "Uh...Sudden Death had a sudden death."
AWESOME ERREYISMS HERE
1st. The New York Rangers. They have a giant hard on for Mats Sundin, however they simply don't have the cap space to sign him. What they do have is a bunch of overpaid garbage that they'd love to get rid of, namely, Michael Rosival and/or Scott Gomez. Here's where Avery fits in. New York has put up with his crap before and of course he would have an incessant hard on due to all the attention he'd get from the media there. The Stars could trade Avery, and his 4 year, 3.5 million (give or take a couple hundred thousand) to the Rangers for Rosival/Gomez + a pick. They could then send him to Binghamton and put his salary in the AHL, which would free up the cash to sign Sundin. That would give the Rangers time to move other pieces, allowing them to eventually bring up Avery. It's a win-win for both teams, a lose-lose for the NHL and fans, except douchey New York fans.
2nd. Toronto Maple Leafs. Brian Burke signs asshats like its his job. See Pronger in Anaheim. It is his job. Plus, that could get Ryan Hollweg out of the league. But would the hockey purists/snobs of Canada stand such a prick on their beloved team?
3rd. New York Islanders. You never know what Wang or Garth Snow might do. Hehe Wang.
4th. Pittsburgh Penguins. Without Roberts, Laraque, and Ruutu, there's no agitation on this team, Godard only kills people. Avery could be that guy, but could Sidney accept it?
5th. Phoenix Coyotes. Carcillo and Avery running around being douches, that might sell tickets. Maybe.
OK, obviously only one of those makes sense, but it makes so much sense, I can't imagine it not happening.
Couple games last night, none of them mattered to me, so piss off. Couple of games tonight, none of them matter to me, so piss off.
Two Sabres prospects, both last years 1st round picks, were included on Canada's World Junior Team, Tyler Myers, the 6'8" defensemen and Tyler Ennis, the 5'8" forward. That's great news for them, congratulations.
No Flyers or Pens draftees (minus Angelo Esposito, who was a part of the Hossa deal) were selected for Canada. But James van Riemsdyk of the Flyers was selected for Team USA.
Look at me I'm reporting news and avoiding work.
Oh Yeah, Jeremy Roenick will be out for 3 weeks with a shoulder injury, a real big blow to the Sharks Cup chances. HA.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Last night, the Sabres faced the suddenly streaking Devils of the armpit of America. Last time we saw them they had just lost Brodeur and all hope, but somehow they keep winning with Scott Clemmonsen. Last night it was Kevin Weekes and Patrick Lalime.
Vanek gained one on Carter in the Rocket Richard race. And the Flyers took sole possession of 4th in the East after a pretty much dismantling of the Penguins.
Teams next games:
Sabres, Wednesday, New Jersey
Flyers, Tuesday, Colorado
Pens, Thursday, @ Atlanta
Now for Dallas, it doesn't matter at all that that douchebag is gone. He's a no talent ass-clown that exemplifies all that is wrong with the NHL and sports in general. Maybe the city of Dallas is just too small have two f-sticks. T.O wins again.
"Sean needs to focus on his own well-being while the Stars hockey team must focus on playing hockey and competing for a playoff spot," Stars co-general manager Brett Hull said in the statement.
REALLY? BRETT HULL? REALLY? You must still think your skate wasn't in the crease against the Sabres in 99'. Douche
Avery, on the other hand, will likely land on some other unfortunate team again in the NHL. You avid hockey readers know where to go if you want hockey rumors that come from a Dog and Tennis ball...so I'm not going to even begin to speculate what team is going to sign him.
But with the imminent return of Avery haunting our every thought, it begs to ask the question...will we see some more of the same bullshit antics as usual? Something like this...
Or this turtling bitch...
Or this faggoty ass shit...
Or will we see a different Avery, will these anger management classes somehow payoff and return to us a kinda, softer, gentler Avery?
No need to photoshop this picture. It's just...wow. And let me say, if you think Avery isn't just going to these anger management classes so that he can come back to the NHL, you're an idiot. He'll return as the same classless garbage hockey player we've all come know him as.