As more people start readin the Bangin Panger, and we start making tshirts, we're gonna get more people on here with some guest features. Today is the first of those features, which will hither forth known as Scott Says...Scott, unlike Denson, will openly admit he is an unbashed Pens fan, even refusing Capitals tickets on the basis that they are simply not the Penguins. Well, today Scott says we have a problem, and that problem is mouthbreathers.
Want to be Successful? Mouthbreathe
Evgeni Malkin, Michael Phelps, P.Diddy, Eli Manning. What do all of these people have in commong? They are all mouth breathers. I know some of you are asking yourself, could I possibly be a mouth breather? Well, let's see. Webster's Dictionary defines a "mouth-breather" as:
mouth-breather
n. a stupid person; a moron, dolt, imbecile
1. literally, someone who lacks enough intelligence that they never learned to breathe through their nose.
2. a really dumb person
3. anyone who you see with their mouth hanging wide open, like a booger has clogged their nasal orifice. They simply look retarded, do every menial task with their mouth open, without a single care in the world.
4. Derogatory. Special species of fanboy dork who breathes solely through his mouth. When not collecting funny books, watching cartoons, playing RPGs, MMORPGS, JRPGs, BGRPGs, CRPGs, or other video games, they are stalking members of the opposite sex, or getting beaten up, sexually molested, or molesting themselves.
If you fit into one of these definitions, then that really sucks for you...or does it? Mouth breathers are some of the most successful people today. Take a look around. P. Diddy, er, Puff Daddy, uh, Diddy, or whatever the hell he goes by nowadays, one of the most successful douchebag mouthbreathers out there.
Again, how bout the quarterback of the defending Super Bowl Champions, Eli Manning. He may look like he has no idea what the hell is going on around him (due to the mouthbreathing), but dammit, that guy is a FREAKING WORLD CHAMPION.
And who could forget about the inspiration of this post, the incomparable Evgeni Malkin. This guy is tearing through the NHL right now. He leads the NHL in points. He had another 4 point night last night against the powerhouse Atlanta Thrashers (for all you ass clowns that voted for Vanek for MVP, it would take him a little over 4 games to get that many points--less than a point per game getting MVP considerations? Get Real.) [Editors Note:: Malkin has had 3 other 4 point nights, Isles, Thrashers, Sabres, & Leafs.] This mouthbreather is a beast.
My point is simple, there is a direct correlation between mouthbreathing and being a succesful douchebag, which is why the mouth breathing species is hated so very much. Just ask this guy what he thinks about mouthbreathers. It's simple science. So what if the economy's in shambles, your 401(k) just dropped 50%, or if you're being laid off in corporate downsizing? Just start breathing out your mouth and everything will be a-ok.
Editors Note: Scott follows his own advice.
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3 comments:
if you want to count empty nets, if not, then subtract 3 goals and a number of assists from Malkin, beastly those empty netters.
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