Friday, November 21, 2008

10 Guys I want to See Come Out of Retirement

Oh yes, another slow day at work, but don't worry, your tax dollars aren't paying me today.

Now with the return of Claude Lemieux to the ice, this really got me thinking, who would I want to see back beating up on the Panthers, Lightning, Blues, etc. Anyways, I thought I’d put together a list of 10 guys I’d like to see make their way back to the NHL, somehow, for any number of reasons.

10)Claude Lemieux

Claude Lemieux taught Sean Avery everything he knows.

Normally I wouldn’t have even thought of putting him on this list, he was a pest on 3 different Stanley Cup winners though, and that’s something he can hang his hat on. But he’s also topped 40 goals, and has 785 points over those 20 years, not too shabby. Still, a courtesy pick. He was with the China Sharks this year, yes, affiliated with San Jose, via Shanghai. I looked at the roster, hilarious, must be the worst hockey we'd ever see. If we ever get the chance to stream a China Sharks game, I'm doin it. Update: He's made it, somehow, he's made it.

9) Todd Bertuzzi
Oh, come on, you were all thinking it, I posted it.

No one has seen this guy performing on the ice since 2004…heeeeeeyoooooooo. Anyways, this guy’s a douche by all accounts, and had some pretty nice years earlier this decade in Vancouver. Love to see you back on the ice Todd!....please don't jump me.

8) Scott Stevens
He might kill me for this.

This guy, had he not been destroying the lives of so many people, probably could still be playing, albeit limitedly. But post-concussion syndrome, like many fantastic players through the years, ended his career. Interesting side note, he only received 4 elbowing penalties in his entire career, how that’s possible, we’ll never know. That picture is the least bad ass thing Scott Stevens has ever done; mouth kissing his own mother.

7) Al MacInnis
Look at those blonde locks, Canadian ladies loved it.

I remember growing up, when hockey was still on ESPN, and seeing Al MacInnis blister slap shots, somewhere in there when Gretzky was on the Blues. Another guy who retired due to injury (a detached retina? Damn) and the lockout season. A Conn Smythe Winner, Norris Trophy winner, Stanley Cup Champ. Come on dude, man up, put the eye back in there, and hit the ice.

6) Pavel Bure
Russian Rocket? That's what she said.

Oh the “Russian Rocket,” kinda sounds like an imported knockoff sextoy? That’s funny. The only reason I include him on here is the fact he’s been linked to so many hotties, including but not limited to 90s babe Anna Kournikova. Let’s bring the Playa back to the Players Association! Eh? Eh? Eh? Yeah that was a stretch. Ef it.

5) Jeff Beukeboom
That shit is legal, no doubt.

Haha, I just love his name. Who doesn’t? Interesting note: sells Jeff Beukeboom vintage tshirts, what a find. Actually I don’t remember anything about this dude, I just like his name, and want that tshirt.

4) Alex Mogilny
You just know that Bure and Mogilny slayed the ladies of British Columbia.

One of my favorites growing up, especially after that 76 goal season in 1992-1993. He was one of the first players to defect from those commie bastards in 1989, and selected 89 in reverence to that fact. I know he was with New Jersey as recently as 2005-2006 but never played due to injury. Does he even have knees anymore? That might not be conducive to skating.

3) Mario Lemieux
Sidney: "Love you" Mario: "No homo, No Homo"

Watch any Pens game, you’re bound to get atleast 3, if not 14, shots of Mario in the stands, watching over his flock. It’s kind of creepy. That and the whole Dad thing with Crosby, creepy. Anyway, in these panned shots, you always notice one thing, he’s pretty. No scars, no beat up old Canadian moustache, just a pretty boy. He can play, we know he can play, he could provide that secondary scoring for the Pens. Just sayin, he could do it. Plus don’t think his ego would allow another Lemieux (regardless of lack of relation) back into the game before him.

2) Theoren Fleury
Definitely a former crackhead, you can see it in his eyes.

This li'l bastard. Man, Flames fans don’t know what they had. They had a personality, it’s so hard to find a hockey player that isn’t humble or faceless or just plain boring (Crosby). This dude partied way too much, has Chron’s Disease (bloody diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, I couldn't even make this up), and even had the name ‘’Crackhead Theo’’ while in N.Y. Right now he apparently runs Fleury’s Concrete Coatings, frankly, he should be running people on the ice.


Ziggy Palffy
Finally! A mullet! I've been searching all morning.

Oh yes. Zigmund Palffy. Best. Name. Ever. He’s playing hockey still over in Slovakia, at least he was last year. But we need him back. He’s potted over 40 goals 3 different times, had some nice years with LA. But we, the NHL, need Ziggy Palffy back. After the lockout the Pens signed him to a 3 year 13.5 million dollar contract, before he just up and left. Dammit Ziggy, come back. You complete me.


1) Mark Messier
What kind of man exposes himself to young boys! Wait, Gary Coleman?!?

Mark Messier drank Red Stripe before it was cool.
Fact: BanginPanger is not meant as an insult to the one and only Darren Pang, nor do I claim to be him. The views and opinions presented on BanginPanger are of my own, and no other namesake of the site, the NHL, Buffalo Sabres, Washington Capitals, or anyone else.